Baby For 1 (the making of a choice mom)

A Teaser

2012-01-27T20:46:00.000-08:00

I'm still not posting as much as I'd like. Especially since the last time I posted Christmas and New Years have already passed. So thought that I'd put in this little teaser a week before Rhian turns 2 (before everyone in blogland completely disappears - if you are still reading, I'm certainly grateful).

Yes people, she is 2 (or will be next Saturday)!

An early birthday gift came in the mail from Granny today. Lucky, lucky girl. But an even luckier me!

You may be asking "Gee what is Mama planning to do to celebrate this precious little girl's 2nd birthday?"

To which I say - "I will be hiring a sitter and going out for dinner with friends!"

(and why is this short little video taking sooooo long to upload?)

Yikes!

2012-01-11T21:51:00.000-08:00

I am still here. I must, must, must post. We are fantastic. I am busy. Will get to it as soon as I get some pics downloaded...

Promise.

And I am behind on reading too... Will catch up. Soon.

Miss you blogland!

Mommy had a little lamb

2011-10-30T21:43:00.000-07:00

Happy Halloween!

Pumpkins and Float Planes

2011-10-23T19:41:00.000-07:00

We went to a pumpkin patch this morning and then to the park to watch the planes...

For your viewing pleasure:

Occupy Vancouver

2011-10-15T09:21:00.000-07:00

You know we weren't going to go.

I couldn't figure it out. I'm a lawyer, earn a decent living, live in a country where I get ~~free~~ mostly free health care, where the banks haven't been bailed out, and our financial institutions are ~~strong~~ sort of strong. The movement seems disjointed, unorganized, and unfocused. So what is the point. And I struggled.

Then a friend (thank you!) sent me this:

http://politicsrespun.org/2011/10/why-i-am-going-to-attend-occupy-vancouver/

And I thought about what she wrote. And I decided that if I plan to raise an engaged, concerned, community minded daughter - we better damn well go.

So, subject to Rhian's fever dropping a bit. We will be there.

Will you?

A trip to emergency

2011-10-07T11:55:00.000-07:00

Not really the reaction you want after an immunization.

Double Yikes.

Recent Cuteness

2011-10-03T21:58:00.000-07:00

'nuff said.

Settling In

2011-08-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

Well I'm on to week 3 at my new job and settling in pretty well. Its soooo very different from my last few law jobs. A friend asked me what it was that was making me not immediately fall into it. And I started to say that the people were weird. And then I stopped. Its not that they are weird.

Its that they are all (or at least - all seem to be) so ... normal. Very ... mainstream. And in my last jobs the legal minds that be were pretty much all left-of-centre politico's who all had all foregone big salaries and prestigious jobs to do legal aid work and never charge a client.

I loved that about the work - even in its most stressful moments.

I'm now in a different world and working on adjusting. Its ok. And everyone is "nice". But they just aren't like me. I'm searching for someone to be my friend there. Not sure he/she exists though. At least not openly.

Oh and some cuteness for your day here is Rhian in the park the other day. She'll be 19 months next week - how did that happen?

Not a Political Blog ... but

2011-08-22T21:10:00.000-07:00

In a direct way, I'm pretty sure I don't want this blog to become a political mommy blog. But it is indirectly anyway, since I'm putting my "Choice Mom" lifestyle out there for all to see, and to advocate for policies that support my choice and my family.

And I'm feeling deeply saddened today since Jack Layton passed away this morning.

Canada not only lost a truly great politician, we lost a great Canadian. His life was dedicated to changing the political landscape of Canada - something he managed to do this past election when he became leader of the opposition. No small feat in a country that has had the same two parties in power since practically forever.

I didn't always agree with his politics (although in theory I mostly did - and volunteered in some federal campaigns) but I admired his dedication, commitment, intelligence and his love of our country. Mr. Layton, you will be missed.

My friends, love is better than anger.

Hope is better than fear.

Optimism is better than despair.

So let us be loving, hopeful and optimistic.

And we’ll change the world.

All my very best,
Jack Layton

The Best Baby Purchase Ever:

2011-08-21T21:56:00.000-07:00

The bike with the front carrier! (excepting the sperm and IVF of course)

OMG Rhian loves this. Soooooo much. Today was glorious, we hopped on the bike (OK when you are trying to get a bike with baby out of a basement bike room, it involves more than just hopping on - but once we were out we hopped on!) and rode along the seawall to our first stop - the kids water park in Stanley park.

Website for this image

(No not my picture - and sorry, don't know who's it is - but I got it at the link above!)

Rhian is not normally nuts about splash pads - the fountains are pretty big at the one right by our place, and all the water overwhelms her. But at the kids park in Stanley park, there are places where there is some standing water she can play in, and places where the fountains are toddler sized. She loved it. And so did I. And I really loved that we just cycled there. Fun. Oh yeah .... free!

Our next stop: 3rd beach

(same as above - but apparently with no link! - And yes, it looked just like this today!)

It was busy there and getting late (for us on a Sunday afternoon anyway) so we parked the bike, walked in the sand, and stared at the "bubbles" - also known as the ocean! Damn she is funny.

We were having so much fun I forgot to take pictures. I always do that. Besides - its kinda hard to take the pictures when you are busy chasing after a very busy little girl.

I dreamed of days like today. I am sooooo lucky.

still here

2011-08-14T21:58:00.000-07:00

Really, I'm here. We are good. I find myself insanely busy and will post something really soon. When I can breathe.

Oh and if you can avoid it ... never, ever fly AeroMexico - for any reason.

But some snippets from our vacay...

Rhian Knows the Way

Yes, we both have hats. No, we both did not wear them.

Monte Alban, Oaxaca

Rhian and Ricardo - yummy tortillas.

Yay for the pool!

Just being cute in the park

Marimba!

And We're Off

2011-07-04T21:48:00.000-07:00

I have 3 days of work left, and then we can let the summer begin.

I can't wait to be officially unemployed for a month while I wait for my new job to start. Summer has finally arrived and boy do Rhian and I have plans!

The first week we will just spend at home - riding our bike, going swimming (hopefully) and playing in the park. Yipeee! And best of all, we will get ready.

Get ready. For our trip. To Oaxaca!

Yay.

And except for the flight with a toddler, I can't wait to get there and have our first travel adventure together. We will start on the Oaxacan coast in Huatulco, and then drive North to Oaxaca city. Our friends are meeting us on the coast, so not only do I get a vacation - Rhian gets to spend time with people who also really love her, who she doesn't get to see very often.

And maybe she can pick up some Spanish. Me too.

Has anyone taken a toddler to a non-resort area of Mexico before. What did you bring? What did you leave at home? What did you really wish you had? So many things to figure out.

What a great problem to have.

My Neighbourhood Last Night!

2011-06-16T12:44:00.000-07:00

More than a little embarrassing. Says it all! (got this from facebook by Chris Hamilton - but not sure where it originated - sorry)

Mommy Friendly

2011-06-11T21:33:00.000-07:00

I have a new job! I'll start mid-August which will give me about a month of time between my current job and the new one.

To celebrate, I bought me a pair of these.

I'm thrilled. Its a steady income, and because of the type of organization it is, it is NOT dependent on outside funding even though its a non-profit. I'll still be working in the public interest arena - but its sort of public-interest lite. I'm working for a professional regulatory body and act as legal counsel for discipline matters. So a new area of law ... again. But:

Its a real job. It is long term. I could consider buying property with a job like this (although maybe not in Vancouver). And best of all it is remarkably mommy friendly.

Now to plan my trip to Oaxaca. Anyone have any tips on traveling on a long haul flight with stopovers with a toddler. Yikes!

I Heart Rhian's Donor

2011-05-20T22:19:00.000-07:00

Olivia Pratten is a 28 year old journalist. She was conceived by donor sperm in the '80's. Things for couples and single women who needed donor sperm were very different then - and the prevailing attitude seemed to be don't tell anyone (including your child) that you used donor sperm. Donors were truly anonymous, and recipients and children were told very, very little about their donor (including very scant medical information).

Ms. Pratten wanted to know who her donor was and she embarked on an odyssey that ultimately ended up in litigation. The British Columbia Supreme Court handed down its ruling this week. This article gives the basics, and links to the decision.

Sperm donor anonymity overturned by B.C. court - British Columbia - CBC News

I read the decision.

I liked the decision. And not just because some of the players in the litigation had a direct hand in helping me conceive Rhian!

In a nutshell, the court found that the Provincial government discriminated against donor conceived children since donor conceived children were not provided the same protections as adopted children. The Court found that donor conceived children and adopted children have many similarities with respect to not knowing who their biological parents are - and both groups should be afforded the same protections.

The upshot is that the Court struck down certain provisions of BC's adoption law, and gave the government 15 months to come up with a legislative scheme that also protects donor conceived children as well as adopted children. Essentially - no more anonymous donors in BC. And no more destruction of donor information by clinics, physicians etc.

I'm not exactly sure what that will look like now. Until the legislation is in force we don't really know what will happen with donor anonymity. Will it be enough for a donor's identifying information to be released upon a child reaching the age of majority? Or will the identifying information have to be made available before conception, after pregnancy is confirmed, after birth, or some other time? What about people that used anonymous donors previously and now want a second child with the same donor? Will it be (can it be) retroactive? Will it simply mirror the current provisions of the adoption act (of which I am not familiar)? How will it apply to donors that are from a different jurisdiction (most donor sperm is collected at American Sperm Banks)? What happens if a person/couple just hops over to Alberta or other province that does not have the same restrictions for their treatment? Will the government appeal? So many questions.

One of the things I completely agree with, is that it is not enough for fertility clinics to say that they already provide the protections sought by Ms. Pratten. Things have changed, and they simply do not do business this way.

And that is exactly the problem. Business.

It is a business. And businesses go under all the time. And sperm banks go under all the time. And I imagine fertility clinics also do the same. And in those circumstances what happens to all the information held by the clinics? I don't know. And I agree that their needs to be some governmental regulation in this area ensuring documents are not destroyed, and ensuring that donors that have agreed to consent to release their information when the children are of the age of majority - that the children are not deprived of that opportunity. I hope that the new legislation will provide some certainty for Rhian should she decide (when she decides?) to search for her donor.

And of course - there is the obvious concern that men will no longer donate if they cannot be anonymous. I have no idea how to address this. I am so, so, so, grateful to Rhian's donor - for both donating, AND agreeing to have his ID revealed to her later on. He will never be expected to parent Rhian, or support her - and from what I gather this is what potential donors fear most. But by agreeing have his ID released to her later on he has given her a great gift. She will have questions - and he will be the only one that can answer them. There is of course, no guarantee that he will - but given that he has agreed to release his information - I'm hoping that won't change.

And should Rhian ever wish to contact him, and should she ever contact him - I can't wait to thank him with every ounce of my being - for giving me the greatest gift - one that only he could. I love him for that.

If I Write It Will I Jinx It?

2011-05-14T21:52:00.000-07:00

So, I think I might be dating someone. I mean, one person. More than once. That qualifies as dating right?

Actually, we met last November, and although I thought things might be promising, we never really got out of the gate. But we've since reconnected - during and following what I consider to be a remarkably disastrous federal election - and things are going well. Slowly, but well. So far.

I won't hold my breath or anything - but I am hopeful.

I'll also say its nice to have some male attention. It has been way too long.

Equality of human rights for women would be a gift to world's mothers

2011-05-09T19:50:00.000-07:00

I was really struggling about blogging a mother's day post. I am forever grateful and blessed and privileged to be Rhian's Mom, and I hardly recall my life without her. At the same time, I know that for many, many women mother's day is very difficult. And I wanted to do more than the standard post.

And then I read this article:

Equality of human rights for women would be a gift to world's mothers

And they say it better than I ever could. Which also means, I don't have to worry about writers block!

I hope you had a happy mother's day.

The Sick.

2011-04-29T18:54:00.000-07:00

Rhian has it again. Or is that still? I'm not sure anymore.

And this time seems different. She is actually acting sick.

Normally she sports a fever of 38.8 or so and is still playing and happy and acting like my baby. When I was told by our doctor to take her into emergency (where they did chest x-rays and found pneumonia) she wrote a note to the emerg. intake to tell them that she really was sick - and to be sure to check her, even though she doesn't seem like it.

The pediatrician in emergency couldn't believe the spirits she was in given the pneumonia and the raging bi-lateral ear infection. She said most babies would be screaming. Constantly.

Not little Rhian. She is smiley and takes it like a trooper.

Today though is different. She is sleepy, groggy and only wants to sleep. She slept an extra 2 hours in the morning, most of the afternoon, and at 6:30 PM was in bed for the night. I hope the sleep helps and she is more herself tomorrow.

This is getting old. And I'm out of ideas.

I Highly Recommend ...

2011-04-22T14:00:00.000-07:00

This:

Our first bike ride together!

There was nothing about this I didn't like this morning.

Except for the scream fest when we (My Mom and I) put the helmet on her and tried to put her in the seat for the first time. But she got the hang of it quick and we had a great first ride.

She kept going by things saying Wow!

Can't wait for tomorrow's ride.

Reclaiming My Spaces

2011-04-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

I like order in my home, in my work, body, and in my head.

Lately, I have had order in none of these places. None. And my disorganized home/work/body/head space has been really getting to me. So, I've been slowly reclaiming my spaces - I'm not completely there, but getting there. And I'm feeling more like me again. Its nice.

Home: This is the easy one. Nothing like a trip to that large Swedish Box Store to whip things into shape. I didn't need much, just some baskets to hide her toys. And Rhian loves them too - she plays with the toys, and the baskets. I haven't tripped on a single toy all night!

Work: Not much I can do about that at the moment. It feels impossible to keep up with everything, but I'm managing. I should be working right now but have decided to go on strike of sorts. My Sunday night strike. Just want a Sunday night to do things like blog, watch bad t.v. and maybe even read a bit. And, what I have done (other than a Sunday night strike), is gone to an interview for a new position. It looks promising and I'll keep you posted.

Head: This is a much more difficult problem. My brain is in overdrive. Seriously, and it is stuck there. I can't seem to just relax and enjoy my life, my child. When I'm at work I'm thinking of home. When I'm home I've got work on the brain. When I started back at work the goal was to have my head in work at work, and my head at home at home. HA!!!!! I'm open to any and all suggestions for getting this one right.

Body: Related to head (for obvious reasons). Pre-baby I'd exercise. Run, gym, hike... something. That would normally get my head in the space it needed to be in. But I haven't really exercised for quite some time. Which makes me feel... well - soft and spongy. Not good. So, thankfully its spring (although you wouldn't know it) and I can start getting back into things. Just not sure what since its a bit trickier with a toddler. Babies just sit nicely in strollers and watch the world go by. Toddlers - not so much. I think I'll have to switch to sprinting since my almost toddler is NOT going to be happy watching the world go by while I go on a long run.

I hope she still likes to hike...

Sugardaddy wanted!

2011-04-04T21:08:00.000-07:00

I am so remarkably tired of Rhian being sick.

Seriously. There must be another solution to this whole daycare thing, that does not involve billions of dollars, and is somewhat more practical than winning the lottery.
Rhian was so sick last week - again - that I had to adjourn two days of hearing! Not only were my back-up child care options unable to assist, even if they could she was just too damn sick. Her fever broke through the children's tylenol at one point. Poor baby.

I am also really tired of hearing that its either now or later when she is in school.

Well, I prefer school. At least she'd be old enough to tell me what is wrong - possibly in advance of it turning into say ... pneumonia ... only to have the underlying infection come back a few weeks later since she didn't quite shake the bug then.

I really am missing my happy, healthy baby girl.

She's been in daycare since November, and I think she has been steadily sick since. We haven't been able to have her 1 year physical done since she has been sick constantly since her first birthday.

I worry constantly about her - which is normal of course - but it distracts me from work. And I feel like I'm being a crappy lawyer and an absent mom. I really hate it. And it has me seriously stressed out.

I am looking for "less demanding" work. But I don't know. Other than law, I'm not even sure what I could do that would support us. Thoughts?

Did you know there is a website called sugardaddiesdotcom?

Thinking about it.

I needed that!

2011-04-02T22:59:00.000-07:00

A friend came by today.

She played with Rhian.

She helped me with grocery shopping.

She took out the garbage.

She washed, dried, and folded 3 loads of laundry.

She bought dinner.

I sure needed that.

All of my good karma goes to Bryn today!

Thank you.

Did you know ...

2011-03-25T20:51:00.000-07:00

That babies talk in their sleep?

I didn't.

She was dreaming about "Ahhhhcheeee gaaaa"

Whatever that means.

Boy I love her.

Riveted

2011-03-12T22:41:00.000-08:00

I have been riveted to my television since Friday. Since learning about the earthquake and tsunami in Japan. I am hungry for every bit of information I can get about a country that I used to call home, and that I hold so very close to my heart.

I am grateful that the friends I left behind are so far all OK. If you call an anticipated 2 week hospital stay OK - but then again, in this situation - I'll take it.

There was one piece of video feed that showed families watching as the tsunami roared through their neighbourhood, and the children holding tight to their parents. And I can't imagine the horror, and I can't imagine how helpless those parents must feel.

I am praying that the worst is over, and for a speedy recovery.

Japan - gambate, gambate, gambate...

20 Questions

2011-03-09T20:15:00.000-08:00

Thank you Fruit Fish at Waiting for Mommyhood for the tag!
So here we go:

The Rules Are:

Rule #1: the tagged person must write their answers on their blog and replace any question they dislike with a new question formulated by themselves.

Rule #2: tag 4 people to do this quiz; they cannot refuse (OK, so nothing bad will happen if you don’t participate but I would love to see your answers). The tagee must state who tagged them.
1. If you have pets, do you see them as merely animals or are they members of your family?
Are you kidding? Of course Daphne is a member of the family - fuzz and all!
2. If you could have a dream come true, what would it be?
Well, I guess it would be to have enough money so that I could make all my other dreams come true. And my family's dreams come true. And my friends dreams come true. And everyone else's dreams come true.
3. What would you do with a billion dollars?
See above.... but after everyone in my circle was taken care of, I'd probably set up a charity and get to work making life better for others.

4. What helps to pull you out of a bad mood?
Playing with my daughter. Works every time.
5. What is your bedtime routine?
Watch t.v. for a while. Go to bed. Read. Fall asleep.
6. If you are currently in a relationship, how did you meet your significant other? If you aren’t, what have you tried in the past few years to meet someone?
Online dating... meeting through friends ... getting out doing the things I love ...
7. What kind of books do you read?
Mystery, parenting, law, cookbooks

8. How do you see yourself in 10 years?
Having lots and lots of fun with my daughter. Traveling. Enjoying life.
9. What’s your fear?
Hmmmm... none really. At least not at the moment. That I'll fall down the stairs when I'm carrying Rhian?

10. Would you give up all junk food for the rest of your life for the opportunity to see outer space?
I can see outer space just fine from here thank you very much! Nope. I hate to fly. I love chocolate. Don't see the trade off.
11. What’s the first thing you do when you wake up?
Listen to my baby babbling in her crib until I pick her up. So.damn.cute.
12. If you could change one thing about your significant other, what would it be? Or, if you’re single - if you could choose a significant other who looked like anyone in the world, who would it be?
Javier Bardem... yum. 13. If you could pick a new name for yourself, what would it be?
I don't know. I like my name. Not many people have it. I had a hard enough time chosing Rhian's name. Don't make me choose one for me too! 14. If you had to choose between six months of sun or six months of rain, what would you choose?
Ha! I say sun. But for some reason I live in a city where it rains constantly. So maybe that means I actually would choose rain? weird.

15. If you could only eat one thing for the next 6 months, what would it be?
Fruit... Love it. sort of nutritious so it could sustain me I think.16. What is the thing you enjoy about blogging the most?
Feeling like I am part of a bigger community that I would never have known existed. You guys are fantastic. Truly!17. Do you prefer salty or sweet foods?
Easy one. Sweeeeet.

18. What items are in your purse right now?
Wallet, checkbook, pens, hair bands, daytimer, phone, small video camera, Rhian's health record, umbrella, coffee mug (its a big bag), comb, lip gloss ... I think that is is.19. If you had to choose between vacationing at the beach or in the mountains where would you go?
Hmmmm.... I live near both. But if its a tropical beach that is where I'm heading. Especially after months of rain.20. What do you watch on television that you know you shouldn’t?
Hoarders... It is such a train wreck, but I can't stop watching.

Wow, do you really want to read this stuff. When I reread it all, its pretty boring!

But now I get to tag so would love to hear from:

Jellybean Mama at Jellybean Mama
Shannon at Musings of a Fat Chick
Batty Nurse at Tales of a Batty Nurse
Navigating the Rapids

Its baaaack!!!

2011-03-07T21:04:00.000-08:00

That Dream!!!

Not even a slight variation. This is number 4.

WTF?

So, Teething Sucks

2011-02-27T19:53:00.000-08:00

Or it sure seems like it.

Rhian has 7 teeth. And so far, there have been very few problems with teething. One day, she just has a tooth. Yay! Milestone!

Until today. Or, maybe it started yesterday. But today was bad.

She was sniffly and crying and fussy all day. She didn't nap. OK she napped once for like - 20 minutes. And she got up at 5:15 (ouch!). She put anything she could find in her mouth to knaw it. It was sad, and I felt awful that I couldn't make it all just go away.

We've tried:

- amber teething necklace
- haydens tablets
- baby oragel
- tylenol
- cold cloths
- teethers
- teethers that you put in the freezer to make them cold
- and for Mom - some red wine.

The last one has helped. At least until Rhian's tylenol wears off and we are both up again. I'm thinking in like 3 hours or so.

Universe - that lottery money better be on its way soon. I'm in no shape to go to work tomorrow!

Oh - Have I mentioned that Rhian is taking two or three steps at a time. On PURPOSE!!!

So cute.

All The Balls

2011-02-22T20:35:00.000-08:00

This week I've decided to keep all the balls in the air. All of them. So far I've got:

the baby ball
the work ball
the job search ball (related to above)
the family ball
the friends ball
the reading-for-fun ball
the dating ball (ha! like that is going to happen)
the remember-to-change-the-kitty-litter-ball
the cleaning-the-house ball
the where-the-hell-are-my-keys...-again ball
the cooking ball
the remember-to-take-your-slippers-off-and-put-on-your-shoes-before-you-leave-the-house-ball (frequently I forget this)
the exercise ball
the why-is-there-an-avocado-in-my-shoe-ball (not kidding)
the blogging ball (see, I'm on that one)

And the one I never, ever forget:

The kiss-the-baby-ball

I am one lucky mama!

What balls are you keeping in the air this week?

Aren't Emergency Rooms Fun?

2011-02-17T15:26:00.000-08:00

Yesterday marked our first trip to emerg at Children's Hospital. Yep.

I took her to our family Dr. to check out a cough she has been sporting for a few weeks, but has definitely gotten worse. Actually she has been pretty sick since just before her birthday. Her symptoms kept changing, and she was always just a bit off. But for the most part, she was still playing and happy. Just sick.

She has pneumonia.

I have to say I am so grateful that I live somewhere that when she is sick, I don't have to think twice about getting her where she needs to be.

Did we wait a bit?

Yes.

Was that hard on both of us?

Yes.

But when she was seen, she got terrific care. She got all the tests she needed. She was monitored closely. And I felt confident bringing her home. And I'll feel confident if I have to take her back.

And if we go back again and have to wait a bit - I'll remind myself that someone else's child is getting the close attention that they need - and as soon as possible, Rhian will get the attention she needs.

R. is on the mend though. Napping nicely right now. Although, if I keep missing work, I'm not going to have a job soon. Yikes.

Ghost Dreams

2011-02-15T22:10:00.000-08:00

I have had this recurring dream lately. I've had it 3 times over the last couple of months and its just bizarre.

In my dream I'm standing in a large room with high ceilings, hardwood floors, and lots of windows. It sort of looks like my current apartment, but its empty, and larger. And I'm in the room holding Rhian. But she is younger than she is now - like 6 months or something. We are the only people/things in the room.

But in the dream Rhian is clearly scared of something and clings very tightly too me. I look around the room to see what is bothering her, and can't see anything. And then ...

someone pulls my ponytail.

Thoughts?

Vote for Rhian!

2011-02-12T23:31:00.000-08:00

Rhian needs your help to win this thing. And Mama really needs a new 4 door car!

Click here

And this is the pic you're looking to rate:

The Proof

2011-02-07T20:03:00.000-08:00

For Rhian's birthday ... she got sick.

Again.

And we ended up canceling her birthday open house. I was sad. She didn't care.

But I still ended up making this:

(yes, I had to finish it off without the little stars in the front - the icing was getting too soft. Apparently, one must work quickly!)

And sick or not, a birthday girl gets to eat her cake:

Followed immediately by one of these:

One!

2011-02-04T20:58:00.000-08:00

Today I celebrate the fact that I have been able to somehow, keep my precious daughter alive for a whole year.

Unbelievable.

Happy Birthday Rhian. I love you more than the world.

Love Mommy.

Read the Fine Print

2011-01-30T10:42:00.000-08:00

You would think that as a lawyer, I would always read the fine print. But you would be wrong about that. And it kicked me in the butt yesterday.

I had grand plans to go to this store that has tons of cooking/baking stuff. Its a huge warehouse of stuff, and I wanted to get a cake mold to help me make Rhian's birthday cake (Friday ... OMG Friday she will be 1). Anyway we got out of the house, into the car and started driving. We didn't get all that far - flat tire.

So being the prepared, organized, together Mom that I am (NOT!) I pulled out my ICBC Roadside Plus card that gives me emergency assistance. (For those not in the know, ICBC is my car insurance company) Except that it doesn't give me emergency assistance. It only offers reimbursement for emergency assistance.

So there I was, in the pouring rain, with a baby not happy being strapped in a car, with a flat tire and no emergency roadside assistance. So we had to wait 45 minutes for help to arrive. (I had to buy a membership to BCAA so they would come and rescue us) Only to discover that I'm missing the wheel lock key that will allow the wheels to come off so the tire could be changed. Damn.

So the little green car had to get to the dealer (insanely expensive) in order for them to change a flat tire. AND it had to spend the weekend in the car hospital, since they needed a part to change all of the wheels on my car so next time the roadside people can actually do the deed.

BTW I can change a tire - but with a screaming baby it just wasn't possible yesterday (and I couldn't have done it anyway since I didn't have the wheel lock key).

I'm getting the bug tuned up while its there too. No point in having it go in a second time. Sigh.

How Concerned Would You Be?

2011-01-24T20:35:00.000-08:00

Suddenly this is becoming a daycare blog. Not my intention - and frankly, a bit depressing.

For the most part I am very happy with Rhian's daycare. Really happy. I like the staff, I've never seen anything that concerned me, and everyone that works there really seems to like the children. Its all good. Although I have issues with their insane sick policy.

And then we got this sudden notice that the outdoor play areas in all of the daycares (this place runs a number of daycares in the downtown area) are being closed. Apparently, so said the newsletter, there have been instances of falling debris from the high rises that have landed on the play areas - and so the play areas are being closed until the city can figure out a solution. My daycare assured me there have been no incidents where Rhian was.

And I thought - OK great they are addressing an obvious safety risk, and other arrangements were being made to ensure the kids got outside. No worries.

And I forgot about it.

Until I ran into another parent in my building who told me that the reason this was being investigated in the first place was not because someones flower pot landed on the play area. Or garbage. Or even needles or anything like that. Nope.

SOMEONE landed on the play area. In the middle of the day. Over the holidays. A suicide.

The other day - a news story came out that confirmed this. But the information was buried deep in a story about the proposal request for someone to come in and rectify the situation. Most people won't be reading it. And it was over a month since the actual incident.

This is obviously tragic for the victim, and his or her family, and the daycare workers that witnessed this (apparently none of the children were outside at the time) and my heart goes out to everyone.

And clearly, this is the sort of thing that happens, and can happen anywhere, and is simply NOT the daycares fault.

My problem? They didn't tell us about the suicide. They did not tell us this was the reason for the investigation in the first place. I'm not certain, but I'm not sure that the parents at the daycare where this happened know either.

In any event, it seems to me to be the daycares responsibility to tell me the WHOLE truth about this sort of thing. I have a problem with the subterfuge.

And that way I can make a determination about what is or is not relevant in this situation. As her Mom I decide if I want to keep my child in that daycare. Me. Her mom. Not some bungling bureaucrat who doesn't know me or my daughter.

TGIT

2011-01-19T19:12:00.000-08:00

Thats right kids. Thank God Its Thursday! And do you know why? Because I'm not working on Friday. Woot!! This is my first 4 day work week.

I'm nervous about the work I'm leaving on Friday, but so grateful for the 3 day weekend that is upon me. Having the extra day with Rhian will make a huge difference for us. I can even just take her to daycare for a few hours on Friday so I can do the stuff that is insane to do alone with an almost 1 year old. Like the evil chore of grocery shopping. For those who have not experienced grocery shopping with an infant on their own - it is a special version of hell most times. I never thought it would be that big a deal. It is. Or washing my car (hasn't been done in far too long).

Or maybe I can actually do something fun. Like go for a run without pushing a jogging stroller (double woot!) Or ... read a newspaper. Or ... meet a friend for coffee. Or ... nap.

But probably I will spend Friday with Rhian, playing at home, going for a walk and heading to the community centre.

I can't wait.

Alone

2011-01-15T20:21:00.000-08:00

Alrighty.

Its another Saturday night and I'm home, by myself. Again.

This is getting old. Really.

Before Rhian I don't think I noticed so much, since probably I wasn't alone so much. If I was feeling alone, I'd call a friend and we'd go out. Pretty simple. Could even be done at the last minute. I need to learn to plan ahead better obviously so this doesn't happen so often. Last minute plans aren't that possible when a baby sitter is required. Unless I invited people here. No reason not to I suppose.

But man its hard to plan ahead! I'm on the go from 6:00 AM until R gets to bed at 7:00 or 7:30 and then I am still getting things organized for the next daycare day, or work day, or whatever. I don't remember that I have no plans until its 8:20 PM on a Saturday night and I'm sitting at home blogging about sitting at home. Which makes for an incredibly boring blog post too - for everyone else sitting at home on a Saturday night.

Arghhhh!~~!

My Friend the Toilet Bowl

2011-01-09T20:35:00.000-08:00

Isn't this just exactly perfect timing? Is Karma trying to tell me something? The weekend before Rhian is allowed back in daycare - I am sick.

I mean sick. Like throwing up every few hours. Barely able to sip more than water occassionally. And wondering how, how, how I'm going to deal with working on Monday morning. And not going in is not an option after missing most of last week already.

Its also been a really fun experience trying to keep an 11 month old out of the bathroom when you need to throw up. She seemed to think it was all quite neat.

Thankfully I have a friend staying with me this weekend, so I can leave some of Rhian's care to her.

Then again, that seems like good Karma, doesn't it?

Expelled from Daycare

2011-01-06T21:37:00.000-08:00

OK - not exactly expelled, but most certainly suspended! For a minimum of 48 hours.

She hadn't been feeling well over Christmas. Earlier she spiked a low grade fever and definitely had a nasty cold. Then she got better. Until she threw up in the car. And then she seemed better. Until she threw up in her bed, and spiked a more serious fever. And then she seemed better. Until she had a bit of diarrhea. And she seemed better. But I took her to the doctor anyway. And the doctor told me she was better and we had seen the last of it.

So the next day I took her to daycare. And I told them to watch for diarrhea (since that was her last symptom) and they told me that 48 hours after the last incident was the soonest that she could be at day care! I had no idea (although I'm sure its in one of the volumes of stuff they gave me). So, I told them she was at the doctor the day before who said she was not contagious and fine. I also told them I had to work and wasn't taking a healthy baby home. So there.

I left. I went to work.

I got a call at 3:00 that she threw up all over the kids table. I went to get her and then they handed down the suspension. I felt bad.

Thing is - she seems fine again today. And it feels ridiculous to not be working and have her out of daycare. But whatever. I'm going to try not to stress about all the work I have to do and enjoy the extended holiday with my baby girl.

Starring Rhian!

2011-01-04T20:27:00.000-08:00

OR NOT!

I have been trying, and trying, and trying to post some Christmas videos of Rhian. But I cannot get my *&!#@$#$%#$@# computer to download them. I have a Mac so if anyone can tell me what I'm doing wrong I'd love to hear it.

The videos were all taken with my kodak camera and then downloaded into my iphoto library (automatically). They are tagged as MOV. I thought I could just upload from my hard drive, but apparently not.

So I tried to upload them to you tube. But my *&!#@$#$%#$@# computer won't let me do that either. Do I need new software?

And so I guess Rhian's debut performance - the one that will make her rich and famous, will have to wait until her incompetent mother can figure out how to work the *&!#@$#$%#$@# computer.

***********

So you will all just have to trust that she is super cute, and almost walking (OMG)! In fact, one of the videos was her walking down the apartment hall with her walker. She almost runs with it. Soooo cute.

Wearing her Christmas dress!

************

Its funny how a few days off can put a lot of things in perspective. Lots of things. Like, how much work has really affected me lately. You know that generalized feeling of anxiety, that knot in your stomach, the constant butterflies that happen when you are unsure of things? Well, I've had that since I started working in November. And truly, it needs to stop. I don't love my job enough to be thinking about it constantly. Or to be worrying about it constantly. And since logic dictates I should probably do something about it I've made some decisions.

First - I'm only going to work 4 days a week.
Can I afford this? Not really.

But on another, more important level, I can't afford not to. I'm a mess at work and remarkably stressed out with the work load. And this makes no sense for a job that is ending in a few months anyway, at an organization where there is very little hope of being kept on. Let me stress: very, very little chance. So I'm going to have to cut out a lot of "extras" to make up for the pay cut and might even have to dip into some savings.

And its temporary - until I find a job that is permanent and more suitable. And a 20% reduction in the number of files that I have, and the extra day with my child will make me a much happier woman. And a better mom. And maybe even a better lawyer. I hope so.

And that is the second decision. I'm going to start looking for work right away. I am supposed to stay for 6 months or I have to pay back the top up from my maternity leave. But I figure it might take that long to find suitable work, and if I find something sooner, then I'll pay back the remainder. But the bottom line is that I need out. Soon. So, if anyone knows of anyone who is looking for a lawyer that probably doesn't really want to be a lawyer - Let me hear it!

****************
My personal life also needs a bit more perspective. Christmas dating guy has been on hold for the holidays - I haven't heard from him in a week - he went out of town. And I can't help but feel a loss of momentum. And he is a guy I met on the internet, so it would be naive and foolish to think he is not dating someone else , or more than one someone else. So, my expectations are not that high with him right now. But all is not lost.

Anyway, I do want to get out there and have some fun. And enjoy my life. So - not thinking about work should help on that front too.

****************

All in all 2010 has been my best year ever! I am blessed, blessed, blessed with my baby girl and I hope that for everyone still waiting for their best year - that 2011 is it for you!

Christmas Dating

2010-12-18T22:44:00.000-08:00

OK. So I've gone on a date. Actually depending on who you talk to it might even be more than one date ... and here's the kicker - with the same person.

I say one date because we met online, and I consider the first couple of lunch/coffee "dates" more of an information gathering session. Kind of like if you were meeting someone for the first time at a friends party or something. You'd spend time chatting/sizing each other up and making decisions on whether you want to see them again. Then you go on a date.

He prefers to count like you are taught in school and has us at about 4 dates.

It would also appear that I quite like him - but I haven't said that out loud yet. I'm certainly dating out of my comfort zone a bit too. And given my track record this is probably a good thing. So far, so good.

Here is my problem. Christmas. Turns out both of his parents died and his sister doesn't live anywhere nearby, and he isn't travelling to her. If this was anyone else, I'd say come to my place for dinner. In a heartbeat. But its someone I may (or may not) be dating. Inviting someone over on such an important family day might be considered a big deal. And talk about the pressure. And my family would probably start planning a wedding - even though I haven't planned date 2 yet. So its all a bit weird. Then again, my family is really great - and might be quite relaxed about the whole thing.

It would still be weird.

But I like him. And I'd hate to see him alone on Christmas. Not nice.

Why is it I'd easily invite someone over who was an acquaintance for dinner, but struggling with inviting someone I actually might like to spend Christmas dinner with over? Nuts eh?

Hmmmm.... Its kinda nice to have this problem. I must say.

So what would you all do?

Still have all the balls in the air

2010-12-04T21:45:00.000-08:00

Barely.

And, so far, not nuts about the new job. Not even sure I should post that since I don't know if any IRL co-workers read this thing. Anyway, I'm settling in OK, and the people I work with are really pretty great. But this week has been a stark, stark, stark, reminder that a full-time litigation practice does not mix well with single motherhood. And frankly, probably anyone's soul - even if you are on the "right" side of things.

The thing is, I always new that. Its one reason I waited to try to have a baby. I wanted to have a job where I could actually spend time with Rhian and not be thinking constantly about work. Its why my last job (the one where the funding was cut) was so great. It was still law. I was still working in the non-profit sector. I had some client contact. But I did not have the enormous pressure that comes with actually conducting files and running a practice. For me it was great.

Seems to me that if I'm going to get up at 5:00 AM to get some work done before Rhian wakes up, and then work for 4 (or sometimes 5) hours every night after work then I might as well get out of non-profit work, work for a law firm and make twice what I'm making. Then I could afford a nanny at least. Its just been gross this past week. And that is month 1. And I'm tired. And I miss Rhian.

I have to stay at least 6 months or I have to pay them back the mat leave top-up. And as a good friend has told me - I don't have to make any decisions today. And I'm still transitioning back to work, so maybe, maybe my perspective is completely out of whack. And maybe part of my adjustment is the learning curve into a new area of law. Not sure.

But I know that for the first time since I've had Rhian I feel unhappy.

I'm not used to that. I don't like it. So, I need to change it.

But here is what makes me happy!

10 Months old today!

I Wrote to My Local TV Station Today

2010-11-12T22:31:00.000-08:00

Which is something I pretty much never do. Firstly, I don't normally watch that station. Secondly, I try not to get too caught up in 30 second soundbites of stories. Usually I just ignore it.

But this week the station had a series on making babies. So each night there was a short story on things like IVF, PGD, Egg Freezing etc. Tonight they did a story on Sperm Donors.

And man was it ever a piece of crap. In BC right now there is a woman who is going to court to fight for the right to get her sperm donors information. She wants it both for medical and personal reasons and its been in the news on a fairly regular basis. The problem with her case is that her doctors, at the time, destroyed all of her records. So even if she wins - she will not personally learn anything. But if she wins, then it could pave the way for the laws around anonymous donors to change.

For me the jury is still out on this one. I don't know if the laws should be changed, or even if they were changed if it would make any practical difference. I do not know many people (ok - just my friends who are also choice mom's) who have used a completely anonymous donor. Most of the women I know used an open - ID donor.

What I hated about the story, was that the reporter didn't even mention that this was an option for people who want or require a sperm donor to create their family. None. At all. The viewer was left with the impression that it was completely anonymous or nothing.

So I felt the need to write in.

But on a brighter note. New cute pics of Rhian taken today at the community centre (I took the day off so I could have the 4 day weekend!).

She loves the cars!

Happiest when she is standing and on the move

And speaking of standing. SHE STOOD UP BY HERSELF. Just for a couple of seconds, but she has repeated the feat - so it definitely counts. And her two top teeth are coming in. Finally. She got her bottom two at 6 months, and then nothing until this week.

Daycare Update

2010-11-04T21:07:00.000-07:00

Thanks so much everyone for your comments on my last post. I'm still not quite done freaking out.

I have managed to cover Thursdays and Fridays for the rest of the month. And like some have suggested put the word out on facebook for help so we will see how that goes. I'm not a huge facebook person and when I think of most of the people I'm friends with they either all work full time or live out of town. But maybe something will come of it.

Although work does allow people to work from home, I'm not in a position to do that right now. Its a brand new job and a brand new area of law for me. I need people to go to. I need to concentrate. None of which will happen from home. Using vacation and sick time won't work when there are hearings to prepare for and set. I just don't have that kind of job. And we need to eat. So I need to keep it.

My gut tells me that Rhian is safe with Aida. The standard of care is just not where it should be. I think part of our diapering issues are due to language (spanish is her first language). Today I put in disposables and told A. that I hoped using them would get rid of the rash. She agreed. But when I got home I noticed that she had used some of the spare cloth ones I had left with her from before. Odd. But I'm thinking she doesn't understand as much as I think she does.

The drinking guests (to be clear A. was not drinking anything) were hardly falling down drunk. They were sitting at a table having quiet conversation when I got there. It is STILL VERY WRONG, but I don't think my baby was in any sort of danger.

For me the big issue was leaving the other child alone - even for a few moments (and the whole name thing). I think it shows poor judgment. And I want someone with good judgment looking after Rhian.

One of the things I thought I wanted with homecare was that home atmosphere - where people stopped by, and chores got done, and errands were run, and the children played and napped and did all the "normal" stuff. And I guess I got that. What is wrong with that whole analysis is that I want that for Rhian with people that I know and trust and love. I don't know these people in A.'s house and I freaked out that they were there (and drinking). Seriously, I've had dinner parties with friends over and we are all having a glass of wine (sometimes 2 glasses)! And I don't think anything of it. A regular family home. But A.'s family is not my family - and so I should clarify want I really want.

I really want Rhian to be in my home. Not anyone elses. I just didn't realize that. But financially a full time nanny isn't possible. So its off to fancy schmancy daycare.

Anyway, everyone's comments really meant the world to me. Thank you. thank you. thank you.

Holy Crapola

2010-11-03T21:38:00.000-07:00

For the most part I like to think that I'm a pretty easy going Mom. My child has the run of the apartment and I let her explore her surroundings as much as safety allows. Other people hold her and take care of her, and love her. And everyone does those things a little bit different from me. I think that is good for her. Most people tell me I'm a pretty relaxed Mama.

So when it came time to choose her daycare I wanted, as much as possible a home-like environment. I turned down a space at a fancy-schmancy downtown daycare that all the parents rave about because I found home-based care for Rhian. I visited her space, and even spent a day with the daycare provider (who I'll call A.) as she took the kids to a play group and back home again. A. seemed to love the kids, but wasn't too smothering. And mostly she was so very transparent. I instantly liked her. She was the first daycare I saw, and although the other ones I visited had similar set-ups, I knew I had clicked with A. So I went with it. And I felt relaxed about the whole thing.

Rhian did 2 half days before I started working on Monday. They went really well. On Monday she went full time.

For some reason, when I got to the apartment (the daycare is on the 6th floor of a highrise), A. was in the building lobby. She let me in and we rode the elevator up together. That is when I noticed that a 2 year old was there!!! Alone. In fairness she was asleep, in her playpen, and relatively safe. But ANYTHING could have happened to her. Anything.

I asked A. about it and she told me she just had to run downstairs to drop off the rent check. OK - so its a judgment call, but not one I'd make. Ever. And I told her that Rhian was never to be left alone. Ever. A. understood and assured me that it wouldn't happen and this was a very unusual incident.

When I went to pick up Rhian she was wearing her jacket and the spare pants I had brought with her. A. said the diaper had leaked which I thought was odd since they don't leak for me. I took Rhian home and took off her coat and she had no shirt on. It was in the wet bag along with the other soiled clothes and diapers. But there were only 3 diapers. 3 cloth diapers in about 81/2 hours. They were completely saturated. No wonder they leaked.

On Tuesday I gave a cloth diapering lesson. And told her to check Rhian's diaper at least every 2 hours. I also told her no diaper cream since that ruins the diapers and to use the balm I had in the diaper bag.

I picked her up yesterday and again she was in the spare clothes. This time I sent over 2 extra sets of clothes. And when I got there Rhian was in her stroller being fed a bottle. I'm sorry, but don't most people hold babies when they feed them? Now she could have been getting Rhian ready for me and she just got fussy, I don't know. But it sure seemed odd. Then I got Rhian home, and again only 3 changed diapers. And now my baby has the worst diaper rash ever. She rarely, rarely gets a rash.

So, today when I dropped her off I went through the diapers Again... And again, she only changed her 3 times. Rhian went through 3 sets of clothes and this time she leaked through onto the sleeping bag thingy in the stroller too. And there was diaper cream all over my cloth diapers. Arghhhh.

Worse, when I got there there were 3 other adults sitting at her kitchen table drinking coolers. I don't care what you do on your own time, but when I'm paying you to take care of my daughter I expect you to be paying attention to her! Oh, and A. cannot get Rhian's name right. She keeps calling her Rhianna. Ugh.

Holy Crapola I say.

Thankfully on Tuesday the fancy schmancy daycare (I was still on the list even though I turned down the space) offered Rhian a space for December 1. We took it.

But what do I do until then?

Basically This is Going to Suck

2010-10-30T20:05:00.000-07:00

Well it arrives tomorrow.

My last day of maternity leave. Rhian and I will spend it having brunch with friends, going for a nice long walk along the water, and doing some cooking and meal planning for the week. (Yes, I know its Halloween. I would totally milk it and put her in a costume and get some candy, except I'm trying to loose that 15 pounds. So I'm just ignoring the holiday).

I thought I would have won the lottery by now so I wouldn't have to go back to work.

I'm almost serious about that one. (There is still a chance - one more draw before work starts. Yes, I bought a ticket!)

Its funny. Before I had Rhian I always thought that there was no way I could be a stay at home mom. Even if I was married or in a relationship. I figured that if I had the resources to stay home, I'd probably choose not to. It was important to me, very important, that my child (didn't know she would be a girl at the time) saw his/her Mom working, following his/her dreams, and living her/his own life. I want(ed) my child to know that regardless of gender they could be whatever they wanted to and I didn't want him/her to fall into any stereotyped gender role because they saw me as a Mom only. I want(ed) my child to see me as a Mom, Wife (Partner) - someday: there is still hope, lawyer, traveler, runner, reader, and whatever else I am passionate about. I knew, intellectually, that I would miss my child during the day, but I really believed it was best for her/him and the family. And that we would all be happier for it.

Now, I'm not saying I was wrong in all of that. But what I didn't really factor into that analysis is how deep my love and concern for her would be. How hard it would be for me to put her into a stranger's arms for most of her waking hours. And I didn't factor in how YOUNG she is to be with someone else full time. 9 months is too little to spend most of her time with someone else. She should be with me.

Or am I making this all about me?

When work and I started talking about my return to work date they asked if I wanted to job-share the position. I said no. Since I'm only on one income I didn't think I could afford to do it. I make pretty decent money, but when you factor in $1100 per month in daycare I need to make as much as I can. I didn't think I could afford to do it.

Today I wonder if I can afford not to do it.

Versatility

2010-10-25T12:29:00.000-07:00

Alrighty then. I am seriously delinquent with this post. A while back Hopefullcc
nominated me for the versatile blogger award. A great blog you should all check out - and cheer her on as she is in the middle of her 2ww.

I have not done anything about it. And its late. Really late.

(Actually, another blogger did too - but its been a while and for the life of me I cannot find the comment in my posts! So, sorry. So please let me know who you are again so I can properly link back to your blog - which I know I read a lot. Sooooo embarrassed!)

Anyway, since it is so late, I'm not going to nominate 7 bloggers - since this has already made its way through my blog world. But I will indulge with the 7 things about me:

1. About 10 years ago (Yikes) I was living in Japan teaching English. Loved my time there, and the travel. While there, I earned my black belt in Go Ju Ryu Karate. Since I've come back from Japan I have stopped Karate lessons. I just couldn't find a place that measured up to training "at the source", and then I started working. Too much. So my Gi needs to be dusted off.

2. I have naturally curly hair that I used to hate. Really, I would blow dry it and straighten it pretty much every day. In the winter I'd add tons of products to it so it would curl in the wet, wet weather. But since having Rhian I almost never even blow-dry it and have suddenly become so thankful that I can wash it and walk out the door. A serious time-saver.

3. I have to return to work in a week! Yikes!

4. I have lived in 3 different apartments in the same building in the last 5 years. I love the location and the building. My needs just keep changing, and these moves are just so easy to do.

5. When it comes to desert, if it doesn't involve chocolate I wonder "what is the point?"

6. I am actively trying to loose about 15 pounds. I know its not much and should be easy to do, but I'm finding it difficult to take off. I am surprised at how much the extra pounds are affecting me emotionally - it REALLY is bothering me. So I need to do something about it. Its just going a little slower than I thought. I've recently enlisted weight*watchers for help. It is starting to work. On the upside, I had to buy a bunch of new clothes for work since none of my pre-pregnancy clothes fit me yet!

7. I haven't picked up my guitar in months and months and months. Not sure I can remember how to play a single chord. Must fix this.

Food and a Pain in the A**

2010-10-17T21:17:00.000-07:00

My relationship with food used to be very, very simple.

I got hungry. I saw food. I ate food.

Actually, the hunger wasn't a necessary part of the equation. (Still isn't sometimes - which accounts for the current excess 15 pounds I'm actively trying to get rid of)

I never had any regard for where the food came from, how far it travelled to get to my plate, how it was grown, what season it was, or what was used to grow it. In the case of meat, I had no regard for how the animals lived, what they were fed, and how they were ultimately slaughtered. I just liked to eat them. I bought the cheapest meat I could - often in bulk.

And I considered (still consider) myself an animal lover.

In my family we just ate. Whatever. And my Mom and my Grandmother were/are phenomenal cooks. So it was all good. Literally.

I think my first real exposure to conscious eating came in university. I had a couple of vegetarian friends. And what a Pain in the A** they were. At least I thought so at the time. I would look at what they were eating and it seemed boring, tasteless, and unsatisfying. They'd eat things like "lentil casserole" or "chickpeas", or "mushy looking tofu stuff". One of them would just bring hunks of raw broccoli for lunch. When we'd go out to dinner they would always order off the menu. When they came to dinner they either wouldn't eat what was made, or someone would make a separate meal for them. Like I said: Pain. in. the. A**. (but I still loved them)

Eventually I asked - why? Health was the answer. And all I thought - was that I could be just as healthy while enjoying some turkey dinner - thank you very much.

And I moved on.

And I moved. To Vancouver. Where I had a roommate. She was a vegetarian.

And we were roommates for about 5 years. And during that time I flirted with being a vegetarian. At least at home (we shared food). But, when I went out I'd eat meat. And when I went back home I'd eat whatever. And for the longest time I did relatively well. Until I moved to Japan - where I promptly fell off the wagon and started eating everything again.

And until I had Rhian that is where I stood. I ate everything. Without a ton of thought.

But now I have a baby to feed and a little girl to raise. And after doing a lot of reading, and watching of documentaries that make you never want to eat meat again I made a decision. All my food would be organic and as much as possible in season and local (I'm less stringent on this one). And I was only going to eat meat that was locally sourced and organic. That means I'm eating a lot less of it since its so expensive, but at least I know (or at least think I do) how it lives its life, what it is fed (or not fed as the case may be) and how it is slaughtered. At least that is what I thought. And I was feeling good about feeding it to Rhian too. And I was happily going on my way.

Until I watched the Queen of daytime T.V. interview Jonathan Foer. He wrote "Eating Animals". I decided to read it.

OMG. I'm not sure why this particular book, more than any other that I've read, is resonating with me. But it is. And my big, big, big dilemma that I can't seem to shake isn't environmental in nature, isn't about growth hormones, or about health (although all of these are very important, I could justify my way around it by eating as I was).

What I'm currently grappling with is how can I ... a self-professed animal lover ... eat animals. What makes the cow any different from my cat, or a dog? Why eat cows, fish, pigs, and chicken and not dogs, cats, or horses?

Did you know that pigs can fetch, come when they are called, and unlatch their gates? That fish communicate with each other, recognize each other as individuals, use tools, hunt cooperatively and form monogamous relationships? Did you know that in order to eat 1 pound of trawled shrimp - 26 pounds of other animals were killed as by-catch. WTF? Foer makes his points dramatically. And it seems to be working. And HOW, HOW, HOW would I explain the difference to Rhian?

Now - I'm not planning on becoming a vegetarian anytime soon. But I'm certainly not ruling it out at the moment. I question if I could actually commit to it completely and for a long term. I'm going to finish this book and I have a couple of others up for consideration too.

But maybe its my turn to be the Pain in the A**.

Thankful

2010-10-13T21:47:00.000-07:00

First some housekeeping.

Like all housekeeping, I'm putting the bulk of it off for the moment. But I wanted to say that I really heart that I was nominated (twice!) for a versatile blogger award. And I do fully intend to follow the rules and do a post about it. Maybe after I write this one ... Maybe next week! But for now - THANK YOU!

So on to the post.

Thanksgiving was this past weekend. And Rhian and I had friends over for a yummy chicken dinner (Turkey's are just too big). I can honestly say, I don't need a day to remind myself to be thankful. I'm grateful Every Day, every MINUTE. I've been so very blessed with my little girl that I almost didn't write a post about it since I'm pretty sure my words won't give my feelings justice. I am eternally grateful that I get to be her Mom. I have never felt more at peace and more happy. I am thankful.

And tonight. I sat in front of my T.V. simply riveted by the rescue of the 33 Chilean Miners. And I cried when the last miner emerged from the depths. And I know they are thankful. And their families, friends, and loved ones are thankful. Their nation is thankful. The world is thankful. I am thankful.

The fall in Vancouver is truly lovely (despite a relatively wet September), and I adore the cool crisp mornings and the warmer afternoons. Rhian and I are out every morning for a couple of hours (I stroll, she naps, we head to the park or community centre), and again in the afternoon for a shorter period (she either naps, or we take a stroll along the seawall and try to find seals). And I am once again grateful. I adore this city and my neighbourhood, and I very frequently can't believe that I get to live here. I am thankful.

I have been spending all my time with Rhian. And I am grateful that I get to spend so much time with here while she is so little. I am thankful.

My Mom will be here in a week, and my brother was just here a week ago. They will both be here for Christmas. I have incredible support from them and I am so very grateful. I can't wait to share Rhian's first Christmas with them at home. I am thankful.

So, universe - THANK YOU! Keep it coming!

And for a little taste of what I'm talking about:

A Cool Morning

The Start of our Walk

Along the Way

A final view

Back home.

Work

2010-10-01T21:08:00.000-07:00

When Rhian and I were on Grouse Mountain a couple of weeks back we saw a woman with two young children about 3 and 1. They were having the best time there, and were heading outside when the youngest spotted Rhian and I. They came over and we chatted for a while. And the woman was sooooo very great with the children. And I was feeling seriously jealous that it was the middle of the week and she was there with her pre-school kids, enjoying the day with them and capitalizing on all of the teachable moments. They were all having so much fun. I wanted to be her in that moment. I wanted to be able to stay home and have all of those moments with Rhian and not let a nanny or daycare have those moments. And it made me sad.

For a minute.

Turns out, she wasn't their mother. She was the nanny.

I go back to work a month from today. And I've been spending my time trying to talk myself into being happy about it. Its sort of working. After all, I will have had a full 9 months of maternity leave, and practically speaking the savings are running out. If I hold off returning to work too much longer it will all be gone, gone, gone. And that won't be a good thing.

But I can't help but feel a bit ripped off. I can legally take a year, and the government does provide me with about $1600 per month (based on a percentage of my salary - that is the most anyone gets). It barely covers my rent. For the first time I really feel like I'm missing out because I'm a SMC. I know - I'm making the BIG assumption that my husband/boyfriend would be making enough to support a family on one salary so that I could stay home with Rhian longer. And its a big assumption. But its there, and I can't help but feel a bit sorry for us. Don't worry, I won't wallow for long.

(BTW, I can't even fathom my American friends who only get 6 weeks or so - with no pay. Seriously??!! Aren't you all the land of family values? But that is a different post.)

So, I've been thinking of all the positive things about going back to work (in no particular order):

*Money

*I'm heading into a new area of law that I'm really excited about. So it will be challenging and exciting to be there

*My new position offers more opportunity for court work again (something I was missing in my last job)

*Money

*Rhian will grow up seeing her Mama be successful at work, and hopefully I'll be a great role model for her

*I am still working for a non-profit that really does great work in the community - its good to work for a place you are proud to be a part of

*This contract will end June 1/11 - so if I'm not happy I have the opportunity to move on and take a sizable pension with me. If I am happy, and if there is space for me (always, always up in the air with non-profits) then I will no longer be on contract and will have a secure position

*Money

*It is about a 5 minute walk from home, and a 10 minute walk from Rhian's daycare

*I have some really good friends who work there

*Money

*I will have the opportunity to meet lots of new people in this job (in my last job I was surrounded by 20 something law students)

*If the contract ends, and I don't stay on, I might be able to swing taking the summer off to be with Rhian and look for permanent work in the fall (or prepare to open shop on my own)

*And I'm sure there is more - I'll keep thinking of them

Hoping for a Peaceful Night (And morning update at end of Post)

2010-09-23T20:45:00.000-07:00

Well we've done it.

Rhian is in a cloth diaper with a wool cover and is experiencing her first overnight with cloth. Boy I really hope this works for us.

And I confess to being way, way, way too excited about the new diapers. I've gone with a bam*booz*le fitted bamboo diaper with an extra bamboo insert (the diaper comes with one and I've added another).

Here it is:

And holy cow are they cute! Soft, fuzzy - simply adorable. I sure hope they are absorbent - or its going to be a long night.

And covering it with an Ari*sto*crats Wool Cover. Its here:

(my Mom thought it was a sweater with no neck at first)

Sorry, no pics of Rhian in the diaper - but I waited until the last minute before bed to put her in it, and she went straight to bed - very tired little baby.

So, I had to pre-wash all the new diapers. The bamboo fitted ones say to pre-wash at least twice, and they will reach their best absorbancy after 10 washes. I have bamboo flats and had to pre-wash them, so know from experience that at least 5 washes were needed before they could be used with any confidence. So these fitted ones got washed and dried about 7 times already (along with the inserts).

I also had to lanolize the wool cover. I think I put in too much lanolin since it felt pretty tacky - but now that its dry (3 full days later) it feels great, and I'm guessing pretty darn waterproof. And it looks very, very comfortable too. No snaps or velcro, or elastic on the legs - just a nice snug fit for her.

I also hope it works since I spent more money then I should on other wool covers, including a pair of longies for winter.

Fingers crossed for a peaceful evening.

And for your peaceful evening, I leave you with cuteness.

And we can't forget the fur baby:

Update: For some reason this editor won't let me post under the pic of Daphne. Anyway, it is 7:05 AM, and I'm up enjoying my first cup o Joe, and baby is ... STILL SLEEPING! Woo Hoo!! OK she is up. And Dry! Not even a hint of a leak. She is comfy, and didn't want me to change her right away. She much prefers to chase the kitty.

Poop Sausage

2010-09-15T21:34:00.000-07:00

Lately I've been feeling like Rhian and I should graduate from daytime only cloth diapering - to 24 hour cloth diapering. Money saving aside, it is bugging me that I'm throwing a disposable away every day when it may not be necessary. I know ... its only 1 a day, which is a far cry from, say, 10 a day or more, but if its not necessary why do it? Especially since environmental concerns are the biggest reason for me to choose cloth over disposables - and how cute they are!

I haven't been doing it because I have a very, very good sleeper on my hands, and I don't want anything to disturb that sleep. Anything like a wet bum.

Sleep has become very elusive and very, very important to me.

But then I've been reading more and more about nighttime diapering, and I've decided to give it a go. After all, other kids sleep with cloth diapers, why not mine? I bought some bamboo liners, some wool covers, and some organic bamboo fitted diapers (I don't have any fitted ones to fit under the wool covers) to get started. Most of these I bought on-line so I have to wait to get them, and then I'll have to lanolize the wool. But I'm excited.

BUT THAT IS NOT THE REASON I WAS INSPIRED TO WRITE THIS POST!

While I was researching the whole nighttime cloth diapering thing, I came across the concept of a -

Poop Sausage.

Yes, a Poop Sausage.

A Poop Sausage is a creation of the infamous dia*er g*ni*. I don't own one of these things and have never seen or experienced how they work.

But check out the grossness of this:

This seriously sells? Really?

And then I did a bit more research, and here is this woman's story - who's blog I've never seen since she's not a choice mom - but it is very funny.

What I don't get is that most of the people I talk to don't want to do cloth because of dealing with the poo. Next time I'll ask if they have one of those gen*e thingamabobs - since it seems to me they are dealing with more poo than I am.

I gotta say, I'll take knocking some poo off a diaper into the toilet and tossing it into the laundry any day, before I deal with a poop sausage all over my floor.

Gross. Really.

Height / Weight Charts

2010-09-09T19:15:00.000-07:00

I wonder how much these things vary?

At 7 months Rhian weighs 16lbs 9oz, and is 26 inches long. My Dr. said she was in the 50th percentile for both height and weight for her age.

When I plug the numbers into an online calculator the percentiles range from the 25th for both to the 50th. Not that it matters, I just find it interesting that everyone is so concerned with her weight and how tall she is, but there seems to be no agreement on "averages". And what is average for my baby may be completely different than a baby, say from Japan, or Sweden, or anywhere. And in a multicultural city - what really is average? And why does it matter? I'm guessing its more of a progression thing for your own baby - but then why are we spending so much time comparing her to other babies? And is being average a "good" thing - or should babies be eating and growing superstars and you want them off the charts?

All I know is that Rhian is happy, healthy, and as far as I'm concerned not average in any way!

AND - we did the Grouse Grind again, this time in 1hr 37 min. A light pack makes all the difference. If the rain stays away we'll go next week too.

What a Grind!

2010-09-02T21:41:00.000-07:00

The Grouse Grind that is.

For those not in the know the "Grind" is a hiking trail in North Vancouver. Basically it is 3km straight up. And it is hell. Locals do it for a work out. Others do it because they don't know better. Like this guy:

Rhian and I did it. Today. This morning.

It took us about 2 hours. (For reference in my pre-pregnant life it would take me normally an hour and 20 minutes or so) But I'm not in the best shape (which is why I subjected myself to the torture) right now, and I had a 16 pound baby on my front and a 17 pound pack on my back.

We moved slowly. But move we did and I am unabashedly proud of us. We will go again - but this time, I'm packing lighter. Much lighter. Like, I'll carry a water bottle, a bottle for Rhian, and I'll stuff a clean diaper in her ergo. And hopefully we won't be on the thing for 2 hours.

I won't be able to move tomorrow. I hope baby is feeling sleepy all day or I'm in trouble.

Home Cookin'

2010-08-31T12:22:00.000-07:00

Rhian is eating up a storm. Really. I haven't found much she truly doesn't like (except an unripe nectarine the other day - but that was my fault) and its been fun watching her try out new foods. I've been oscillating between steaming my own veggies and giving her prepared foods. Especially for introducing meat. I just wasn't sure how to prepare it so she could eat it (she only has 2 teeth!). But everytime I open one of those jars of food I don't feel very good about it. Even though its all organic and I can pronounce all of the ingredients (so far) it still just didn't "look" right.

So I've started my new babyfood cooking adventures. And today did a chicken puree for her. And its GOOD! Really! I adapted a recipie from a book I bought to use stuff I had in the fridge and here is what I came up with:

-cut up a chicken breast (skin off, no bone) into chunks and saute it in a bit of olive oil (actually everything I've read suggests thighs for babies - more iron - but I didn't have any).
-I added some frozen butternut squash and sauted it a bit longer
-when everything looked about done I added 1/2 a chopped up apple, some dried apricots and half a roma tomatoe.
-cook until mushy
-throw it all in the food processor and puree.
-taste it.
-let baby taste it.

I kept some out for meals for the next day or so, and froze the rest in ice cube trays.

Next I'm going to try a white fish dish!

Ridiculous

2010-08-25T21:18:00.000-07:00

What is absolutely insane - seriously - is that you can put your "baby" on a daycare waiting list BEFORE you are even pregnant.

Who does that?

And the answer is lots and lots and lots of people.

Know what else is ridiculous? A daycare that has a 15 month waiting list, but only takes babies that are younger than 15 months.

I'll keep looking.

And just for fun:

Who can resist her - really? I will find great care for her I know it.

My life is about to change drastically

2010-08-15T20:17:00.001-07:00

SHE'S CRAWLING!!!

And it all goes to Hell - really fast actually

2010-08-08T20:59:00.000-07:00

My baby has a bad cold.

And therefore, I also, now have a bad cold.

We are both tired, sick, and more than a little cranky. Actually she may be holding up better than I am. But all that sleep training - gonzo. For certain. Poor thing can't breathe very well so she keeps on waking up. And can't get herself back to sleep at all. And sometimes not at all. She barely had a nap today, and we've been up since 4:00.

Poor thing.

Thankfully, I have guests in town that have been very, very great for us and have been helping tremendously. I am grateful. For them. For their timing. For their love of my baby (and me too).

I am now going to take some sort of drug (legal of course) to help me breathe so I can sleep for a bit.

Damn tired.

6 months!

2010-08-04T19:23:00.000-07:00

OMG! She is 6 months old today. I can hardly believe it.

She also cut her first tooth today! Which explains the fussiness for the last day or so.

Other things she can do at 6 months:

- sit up by herself
-go from laying down to sitting up
-roll over both ways
-pull herself to standing in her crib, or using her Mom (or anyone else who is around)
-cut teeth!
-talk, talk, talk
-fall asleep without her bottle (yay!)
-eat her veggies (carrots - if mom cooks them, butternut squash, and sweet potatoes so far)

On the sleep front she is doing really well. Usually she is down for the night between 6:30 and 7:00. I don't put her in her crib with a bottle, and she is awake. She will cry for a few minutes and then simply falls asleep. She is still waking up once in the night, usually around 4:30 or so. So I give her a bottle, and she will sleep again until 6 ish. Sometimes she sleeps until 5:30 or so, and when that happens we just get up until her early morning nap around 8.

We had a rough night last night though. She woke up around 9 or so, and it took a long time for her to fall asleep again. I had to get her out of her crib, and feed her. But even that didn't work. I figured she wasn't feeling well. But this morning I felt her little sharp tooth, and realized what was going on. I have a feeling sleeping will be interrupted for her for a while now.

My girl is growing up!

Mama's Cookin'

2010-07-27T20:48:00.000-07:00

OK,

So she may not like the organic, ready-made carrots I bought for her, but she sure gobbled up the carrots I steamed and mashed.

Maybe someone can tell me: Why, if the ingredients are the same (carrots and water) are the colours soooo different - and the taste too. I used organic carrots too. Scary.

BTW - two nights in a row of falling to sleep smiling with her little lamb, and no waking at night! I hope this is NOT a phase!

Not a tear!

2010-07-25T20:17:00.000-07:00

So tonight I switched things up a bit. Gave Rhian a bottle about 30 minutes before our bedtime routine, instead of including it in the routine. Did our 15 minute bedtime routine. Took her to her crib, read her a story, had her lamb read the story again, gave her a bit of a back rub and then laid her down to sleep. She talked to her lamb for about 5 minutes and has been sound asleep since.

We'll see what the overnight brings.

Today we discovered that carrots make her gag! Too funny, poor baby. This was her first solid that wasn't rice cereal and she did not like it. She made that face people make when they have eaten something off or sour. I'll try carrots again in a few weeks, but will go with peas next I think.

Crying it out (not really) Night 2

2010-07-25T10:06:00.000-07:00

Actually, I should start with day 2. I wasn't going to concern myself with naps at this stage - just bedtimes and overnights. But after she woke up at 6:00, ate, played. By 8:15 she wanted to go back to sleep. This is usual for her if she is up early. So I figured I'd give her 10 minutes and if she didn't go to sleep herself, I'd give her a bottle.

I put her in her crib, pulled my chair up to the crib. She cried for about 5 minutes, and then fell asleep. For 2 hours. Wow.

After she got up we went out for the day, and came back around 1:00 since she was clearly getting tired again. Our next nap was not as successful. It took her about 15 minutes to fall asleep, and in true Rhian fashion she only slept about 35 minutes. I thought taking her in the stroller might get her to nap a bit longer, but it didn't. Too much going on outside!

So ... tonight.

After we got home from the park, I gave her some cereal (she loves the stuff), then made my dinner, ate and cleaned up. About 6:00 I gave her a bath (while she was still not too tired, since a tired, cranky baby makes for a miserable bath time). Then she and I played for the next 45 minutes or so. Then I decided to start our new night routine. Rhian was clearly getting drowsy. So I changed her, put on her sleeper, and gave her some milk. When she started to drowse off I kept her up and we went into her room and read a story (twice - one time her lamb read it to her). I gave her lots of cuddles and kisses, and then laid her down for night - night time. She started to fuss a bit but wasn't really crying. It was 6:58 when I left the room (and a fussy baby). At 7:01 it was silent and I checked on her and she was asleep already.

I hope she is able to stay asleep tonight! She can do it! I know it!

I'll finish this in the morning, hopefullly after a good night's sleep.

The Overnight

So it all went really well. She woke up around 8:15 and fell back asleep on her own at 8:25.

And then there were the sirens. Lots of them. It was fireworks night in my neighbourhood (every year for 4 nights there is this huge fireworks competition. It is spectacular. It also means that hundreds of thousands of people come to my little neighbourhood. Which usually means police/fire/ and ambulance everywhere). Anyway, she slept through the fireworks but at 12:00 there was a series of about 4 ambulance/firetruck sirens. She woke up.

But she fell asleep really soon after that - about 10 minutes. And she slept right through until 5:00.

Now here is where I wasn't sure what to do. She was hungry, so I knew I had to feed her. But do I consider it morning yet? I decided I did, and fed her and then brought her to my bed and we played for a bit. She fell back asleep for an hour or so after about 35 minutes of playing. I'm hoping I didn't screw things up. I don't think so, but I guess we'll know more by tomorrow.

Its hard to listen to her cry for minutes at a time. But I also know that she is learning to soothe herself, and put herself to sleep. She is old enough to do it, and has done it before! So, I just have to give her the tools to re-learn what she already knows. I still get lots of snuggling and cuddling in. And she is always happy to see me in the morning.

I'll let you all know if things break down.

Crying It Out (well, not really) Night 1

2010-07-23T21:32:00.000-07:00

Sweet, sweet, sleep. I've been lucky I know. Rhian, for the most part will sleep for long stretches and until recently would only get up once ... maybe twice a night. I'd simply give her a few sips of her bottle and she'd drift off to sleep. And more often she would just sleep through the night. If I was up it would only be for 15 minutes max! Those were the golden days. She is almost 6 months old now.

But lately things have been going south in that department and I've been up a minimum of 3 times a night trying to get her to sleep. Since she started being more mobile (sooooo close to crawling) she is constantly waking herself up at night. And she can't get herself back to sleep. And it ain't easy for me to get her to fall back to sleep either. She doesn't just take a few sips of her bottle at 2:30 am - she wants a whole bottle. And some nights its an hour and a half before she gets back to sleep. And then I'm so wound up that I don't fall asleep right after either. A couple of nights I've been up from 1 until 4 and she is getting up at 5:30. And I could probably fight through that if I had a baby that would nap. But she's not good at that either. At best she is taking 2 naps of about 40 minutes a day. That's it.

I've been going a bit batty with the whole thing.

And I've likely caused the problem. I've taught her that when she wakes up a bottle is close at hand. And I think that now, the only way she knows how to sleep is with the bottle. She has learned nothing else, and has no other tools in her tool box for getting to sleep. I need to give her more tools to work with.

So, I've been trying to figure out what to do. I've asked other mommy's I know what they did and it ranges from - not much, just try to console her any way you can, its ok to keep feeding her at night, to a gentle cry it out method (I don't know anyone who has simply let their baby cry it out). And everyone and every family has tried something different. (Although the only family that is getting good sleep right now are the gentle cry it outers) I'll also add that most of the Momma's I know also have a husband/boyfriend/partner that can shoulder some of the night wakings. I of course, do not.

Here's what I think: If I keep giving her a bottle everytime she wakes up she is NEVER going to learn to fall asleep without it. OK, not never - I imagine that when she is in university she may not need it. Anyway, it will be a long 3 - 4 years (she'll be a fast learner :-) ). Besides, as a friend told me: if someone came to you every night with a burger and a beer, wouldn't you eventually be waking up for it too.

But, just letting her cry it out seems hard on both me and her. And I'm not sure I can do it.

So - I'm going with a more gentle version of cry it out. I'm putting her in her crib at night awake and well fed, but drowsy And I'm not going to give her a bottle to get her to sleep. I will comfort her in any other way I can think of until she falls asleep. And I'm going to start a consistent night routine for her.

Ideally, I'd like to go with the advice that if/when she wakes up after she falls asleep, I will go in and check on her and let her know I'm there and will try to comfort her back to sleep without a bottle again.

I'm not sure if I'll go with the theory that I should peek in to see that she is ok, and then wait for 10 minutes (yikes!) before offering comfort in the middle of the night to see if she will put herself back to sleep. Or, if I will just stay with her until she falls alseep.

Another theory I read about suggests that a more gentle CIO way of getting your child to sleep is to not worry about nursing/feeding at night. That gradually, once your child learns to fall asleep initially without a bottle they will also learn to soothe themselves to sleep in the middle of the night. They say this method can take longer, but is easier on the baby. This seems pretty reasonable to me too.

It may not work. Tomorrow I may be back to giving her a bottle everytime she wakes up in the middle of the night. But its worth a try. A bleary eyed try.

So, this is ...

Night 1

Of course she didn't nap at all this afternoon. So by the time we got home from our walk (I was trying to get her to sleep for a bit in her stroller - works sometimes) at 5:30 she was soooooo tired. My planned bedtime routine of some rice cereal, a bath, pj's followed by a bottle and a story, died before we finished the cereal. She just wanted a bottle and bed.

So we moved straight to the Pj's and bottle, and she was soooo falling asleep by 6:00 PM. I put her in her crib, still awake at 6:15. She started crying at 6:15:30! I gave her her favourite stuffed lamb, and her nicest blanket and stayed with her until she calmed down at about 6:25. At 6:26 she was crying again, and I went in at 6:30 (And yes, I was making note of the clock - advice from a friend) to soothe her again. She had her head burried in the corner of the crib, her butt in the air. Not really a recommended sleeping position. I put her back on her back, tucked her in, gave her her lamb, and reassured her that I was there. She calmed down at 6:40. I left the room and she started crying again at 6:42. I went in - did the re-position, gave her the lamb and reassured her again.

She finally fell asleep at 6:50. She woke up once at 7:18 (so far anyway) and I checked on her. Again, head in corner of crib and butt in the air. I repositioned her again, and she fell asleep at 7:25. I checked on her at 7:40 (since I hadn't heard anything) and she was sleeping with her butt in the air! I put her on her back (did not wake her) and she has been sleeping since. Its 9:15. I'm having a hard time staying awake since I haven't slept much the last few nights, so going to bed right away too.

I have no idea how I'll handle the first overnight. I think I'm going with let her try to soothe herself for a few minutes and then give her a bottle to put her back to sleep.

The thing is, she used to be able to soothe herself to sleep if I waited just a minute or so. I wonder if she can remember it.

OK, Momma must go to bed...

The overnight

I woke up at 11:45 and went in to check on a still sound asleep baby. Woo Hoo.

At 12:44 she woke up. Sources say to let her cry before checking on her a full 10 minutes. There is NO WAY I can do that right now. So at 12:48 I went in to check on her. As soon as she saw me she really, really, really started crying. I tried soothing her and she just cried harder.

Enough. at 12:50 I gave her a bottle. Its now 1:02 AM. I'm going to check on her and then going back to sleep.

Not sure if I'll do "better" next time, I just may have to go with the last option I described and put her to sleep initially without a bottle and see if she learns to soothe herself from there.

I'll keep you posted.

6:00 AM - she woke up for the day. I went back to bed at 1:00 and fell asleep finally at 1:30. Hopefully she will have at least one good nap today.

What worked for you?

Music, Community, and Babies

2010-07-20T21:57:00.000-07:00

One of my favourite things to do every summer (OK - if its really raining, I'm not going - but that has only happened once or twice) is to go to the folk music festival in Vancouver. Its 3 days of really, really terrific music on the most spectacular beach setting. I love it for the music, for the community the festival creates, and for the zen-like effect it has on me. Its hard to put into words the spirit of community that is created by everyone (performers, volunteers, merchants (all independent btw - no chains here), and festival goers like myself. Its just so very special. I love that I can leave my bag(s) on a mat at the main stage for the entire day, and when I get back for the evening concert everything is still there (in Vancouver!). I love how the music brings everyone - young and old- together, and how babies (and their parents) and teenagers, and young men and women, and seniors are all up and dancing to the same music. I love that different genres of music are all on stage making magic happen. And I really want my child to be exposed to all of it.

I just love it. And this year was Rhian's first festival. We only went for one afternoon this year, but we had fun. I don't know if she got any of the music (I hope she did) but she was certainly soaking up the atmosphere. I love how my friends embraced having a baby at the festival with them. I love that when I had to pee, people offered to watch the baby for me (I just took her in with me though), and when she was fussy during a performance, people distracted her and made her laugh. Next time I'll do things a bit differently. Like, I'll drive (not take the bus - Waaay too crowded on the way home, and we were both a bit cranky and tired). And I'll bring the stroller (not just the carrier and a backpack) so she can get some good naps in (and that way we could stay longer).

I just wish the spirit of the festival would last all year. But we'll just have to wait until next year.

Having a dance at the festival

Hangin' out with Mom

Not at the festival - but look! Sitting up all by herself!

Doesn't get much cuter than this!

Moved

2010-07-09T21:32:00.000-07:00

Wow! Has moving ever cut into my blogging and blog reading time. We are getting settled, finally. Next week the suite is being painted and that should be it. Its a great apartment and I love it. Rhian's room is looking cute too. I'll post pics when everything is done. And soon, I'll catch up on my reading and blogging.

Have I mentioned that one should move before the baby comes? Good Lord.

Where is Rhian's Daddy?

2010-06-19T07:04:00.000-07:00

A perfectly normal question for a 3 year old to ask me. But it still took me by surprise a bit the other day. It was a friend's little girl, who simply adores Rhian (the little girl - and her Mom too I think).

I told her Rhian didn't have a daddy. She kinda looked at me, and then turned around and asked about the towels on my bed. "What are these?" was her next question.

Funny, I've been completely prepared for what I'd tell Rhian as she grows (I think), but wasn't quite ready yet to answer another child's question. I wish I had followed up with - Rhian has a mommy, a granny, and an uncle. But all in all - it was a rather uneventful moment.

So, to all the SMC's out there - when did you get your first daddy question and what did you say? Or if you are waiting to be an SMC what do you plan to say?

And while we are all pondering this:

In her new round play thingamagig. She loves this eyesore of a toy!

A first taste - actually more like a third taste - but the look is exactly the same

Jogging with my Mom is just tooooo much!

A new friend.

I could probably crawl if I'd learn to use my arms and not my head for traction!

Confession

2010-06-13T11:44:00.000-07:00

I hate the Mom/Baby groups that I've gone to and I can't quite put my finger on why. I've been to a couple of them, and everyone was nice, wonderful, friendly and welcoming. No one ever said anything about my single mom status, and there were even some "older" moms at the group. (Although I was the only single mom at both of them - and most certainly the only SMC there).

So what is it?

I just don't like the big group sharing thing. Right now the Mom groups are with infants, and for the most part, its not particularly active. So everyone is just sitting around sharing problems, experiences, milestones etc. And I. hate. it. Really.

I tend to spend my time looking at my watch, gooing at the baby, making a list in my head of things I want to be doing, and searching for the nearest exit.

I want to be outside - run, play, walk, shop. Anything but sit around. It DRIVES ME CRAZY. I never know what to say either, since I have friends that I bounce stuff off of and support me. And despite the fact that I blog this stuff on the internet, I am not up to sharing the colour of Rhian's poo with strangers.

One of my friends was concerned that Rhian wouldn't have contact with any other babies if I didn't go to these things. She does though. AND she'll be in full time daycare in 4 months or so. So lots of contact with other babies and older kids. I'm not concerned about that.

So, I'm not going to stress about going to these things, and will enjoy meeting other parents and kids at the park, on the seawall, or maybe at a parent/baby activity (I'm looking forward to taking her swimming). But no more heading to the local community centre, sitting on a mat on the floor in a gym with no natural light, and feeling like I'm in group therapy for Moms.

Rhian, your Mama is really smart!

2010-06-10T21:29:00.000-07:00

I wonder if I keep telling her that now she'll have it so imbedded in her subconscious she'll still believe it when she is 13?

So why am I so smart? I hired a babysitter. Actually I hired two babysitters. My plan is to have them come once a week on alternating weeks for 2 - 3 hours. I really debated if I needed/wanted this. Honestly we are doing quite well, and for the most part don't feel the need for a break just yet. Certainly, I'm not feeling housebound with her, or that she is a hard baby to look after. She's not. So, I was feeling a bit guilty about doing it.

But:

Today my first sitter came in the morning, and I went for lunch and got my hair done. All without a diaper bag and baby in tow. It was refreshing. It was nice. Although, I missed Rhian like crazy, and spent my time at the salon looking at pictures of her on my phone, I'm looking forward to having the time once a week to get stuff done more easily. I'm looking forward to going for a run on the seawall (OK - its been a while, it'll be a jog if I'm lucky) since she is too young for a jogging stroller just yet. I'm very glad I did it. And Rhian was great when I got home. She was happy, and really enjoyed the sitters company. Perfect. And I'm feeling pretty smart about the whole thing.

Since I can't resist:

Yep - its a crappy self photo of me with Rhian in the sling. I'm still trying to figure the self photo thing out. We had just come back from our walk here. Not sure how her arm got out -she is normally tucked right in there!

Here she is in the park the other day. Squirming her way right off the mat and eating the grass. Yum.

A Room of Her Own

2010-05-30T21:27:00.000-07:00

I love my apartment. Its in a beautiful location. It has all the charm of a building built around 1910 complete with some exposed brick walls, big bay windows, and for a one bedroom a pretty decent sized living space. It also happens to be 2 blocks from where I'll be working when my maternity leave is over. And Rhian, me and the cat - well, we all fit. Barely.

And there is the problem. I'm noticing that as she gets bigger, so does her "stuff" and she keeps getting more of it. And I'm already feeling a bit cramped. Like, I've moved two dining room chairs into storage to fit the swing, and the baby bath hangs precariously on a shelf in the bathroom, when I have her activity mat out on the floor there isn't really any walking space, and the cat house sits in front of a closet so I have to move it to get into the closet. Hardly anything that demands immediate attention, but I do notice I'm getting a bit frustrated.

I looked around my neighbourhood for other two-bedrooms and the cost of those are close to what I'd pay to stay in my current building that I love. And there are cheaper 2 bedrooms not in my neighbourhood, but they looked like dumps. So, I told my property manager that I'd be interested in a two bedroom in this building. And as it happens, my good friends are in a two bedroom in this building and they are moving at the end of the month. The property manager offered the suite to me at a somewhat reasonable rate (its still more money, but not outrageously so given the nightmare rent I already pay), and said I could install laundry.

We move at the end of the month. And Rhian gets her own room. And I think I'll cry the first few nights she isn't with me.

"Feeling Like a Single Parent"

2010-05-26T17:01:00.000-07:00

I have some friends that are married or living with their partner. Many of these friends have kids. And I love them all dearly. And so I struggle with what to say when they vent to me about feeling like a single parent when their spouse is busy with work or other outside interests.

To be clear, more than one friend has said "I feel like a single parent" to me.

I'm not sure how I feel about that.

Firstly, they are clearly just venting and expressing their frustration in the moment with their spouse or the situation or whatever. And I'm their friend - and a few months ago, I would have empathized with them. And I DO empathize with their situation. Its hard. After all they didn't choose to raise their children alone. I made that choice. And I can't imagine how resentful I would feel if my partner was not fully present in parenting our child. I would go ballistic - and I'm sure I would feel very alone - even though someone agreed to parent kids with me. Especially if it was a "chronic" situation. I'd feel very betrayed.

Second - I'm not sure I know how it feels to be a single parent. Seriously. I've only been at it for 16 weeks or so and I'm going day by day blissfully with my baby. So I'm pretty damn sure they don't know what its like, since having your children on your own for a few days, or a few extra hours in the evening doesn't count. And don't get me started on the finances.

Beyond all of that, my struggle with the comments boil down to this: I'm blissfully spending time with my baby and loving each moment I have with her - even though there have been hard days. I just feel incredibly blessed.

I made the choice to be a Mom very carefully, and put so much thought into how I thought I should do it, and what would be best for me and my baby. This is why I didn't go the "go to the bar and get myself knocked up route", or the "rush into a relationship route". And I feel insulted when people talk about single parenting like its a bad thing. Something they would never, ever, do and are resentful that they would feel like a single parent in that moment. It really gets to me.

All I can think of to say is that they are not feeling like a single parent - they feel like a neglected spouse. Because man, I am happy - and THAT is how it feels to be a single parent!

Babywearing

2010-05-16T12:29:00.000-07:00

My new ring sling rocks! I have tried a variety of baby carriers - front (back pack style) ones, pouches, cradle slings, and finally my new ring sling. And man does it win.

Even Rhian likes it (sometimes).

I was given a few carriers before I had her and I hated them, and so did she. A couple of them were well worn by other parents, and I can tell well loved. But I just couldn't figure out all the belts and straps. And by the time I got the hang of them Rhian was a screaming, squirming, baby mess. Not fun.

The pouch sling and the cradle sling (like the pouch, but monster sized) I could get her in, but because you can't adjust the tension on them she would start fussing pretty soon, and unless she was in the cradle position I thought she would fall out.

I bought a new carrier. And although Rhian and I can use it well it hurts my back and shoulders - and yes, I've had it fitted properly.

But the ring sling... it just works. ONCE you get the hang of it. Its a bit weird to get started, but Rhian and I are pretty good at the kangaroo carry (she is facing out) and the tummy to tummy one. She usually does well in both. And the more I use it, the easier it is.

And if Rhian would just wake up from her nap, we could get outside and enjoy the beautiful day.

Writer's Block

2010-05-13T22:20:00.000-07:00

I'm having some trouble this evening keeping my thoughts organized to allow me to write about one thing in particular. So, I'm just not going to write about one thing in particular - I'm just going to blabber on about some random stuff. Reader beware.

1. We are home. And it's bittersweet since I'll really miss my family and friends. But I so love it here. The weather is gorgeous, the seawall becons, and I get to spend the summer with my baby. Woo Hoo. BTW so far she travels so well. I say travelling with an infant seems so much easier than with a toddler. I still have nightmares about a 5 hour flight I had once with a screaming toddler a couple of rows ahead of me... I'm wondering who the lucky folks will be on a flight with me when that is my child. Egads.

2. At home I met up with friends that I haven't seen in a while. Some I lost touch with over the years, but am back in touch with and it felt great. Comfortable. And I couldn't be happier about it. And with others, even though it was nice to see them, the visit became uncomfortable. I'm not sure what that means for our friendship but I'm guessing it will all be all right.

3. I am not breastfeeding at all anymore. Nada. And I couldn't be happier about it. The pump has been put away, and I have soooo much more time during the day. I had a discussion about it with my Dr. who was very, very supportive. She told me that most women who end up having to pump, don't do it for too long since it is so taxing. She also said that formula will give the baby all the nutrition she needs - and said that the immune boost breastfed babies have does not apply to all breastfed babies. Not all women pass those benefits on to baby anyway. She was worried about how others would react to my decision and suggested thinking about how I will respond ahead of time - so I'm not taken off guard. I have yet to have anyone say anything to me about it in person to me but I imagine it will happen. I consider my breasts and what I do with them to be a personal matter, so I don't imagine I'll react well. I'll keep you posted.

4. We had to put two boxes of Rhian's stuff on the bus since we couldn't carry it all on the plane. She has so much stuff already. And my apartment is about to explode. I thought I could last here (in my one bedroom) for quite sometime, but its starting to look like a baby store in here. The thing is, I don't even have all of the "stuff" (like no changing table, or a dresser for baby) that many other new parents have for their baby. But obviously I still have a lot. I'm now in the market for a two bedroom. Which also means good-bye seawall (I can't afford a two bedroom in this area).

5. Back to cloth diapering. She fits nicely into the pocket diapers I bought before, and I'm mostly using the Flip diapers. LOVE THEM. Rhian is still wearing a disposable at night, and if we are out - but the cloth is great. Nicer on her skin too. And not a big deal to wash and take care of. I stopped cloth diapering pretty soon after she was born since the newborn diapers I bought her just didn't fit her well. I hated them. But now that she is bigger, she fits into the others and I love them. And feel much better about not throwing out a bag of diapers everyday. Nice.

6. Rhian got her first set of shots today. 3 needles. Poor thing. I'm hoping she won't have a bad reaction to them.

7. Rhian is consistently sleeping 8 - 10 hours at night. Sweet, sweet, sleep.

3 Months

2010-05-07T08:53:00.000-07:00

Rhian turned 3 months old on the 4th. Some milestones:

She is getting bigger and bigger every day. She is getting too long for her bassinet at Granny's house, and has outgrown pretty much all of the clothes we brought with us from Vancouver.

She talks non-stop. This girl talks to the sofa, her toys, the ceiling fan, the mobile, her Mom, the carpet, the cat, her Granny, her Uncle, and anyone or anything else that will listen. Its too cute since she is clearly speaking in baby sentences. Seriously, she'll go a half hour non-stop with the talking. She can out-talk her MaMa and that is saying a lot.

She is squealing in delight - at pretty much everything listed above. She hasn't laughed out loud yet, but I'm pretty sure that is just a matter of days.

She can "squirm" her way off of the activity mat on the floor right onto the floor. She is working so very hard on rolling over and she gets frustrated that she can't. I'm doing my best to let her work it out on her own, but confess that Mama helps sometimes.

She has found her fingers, and her fists, and is trying to grab at stuff. She sometimes catches whatever she is grabbing too. I think I can see how proud she is when she gets it.

She loves, loves, loves her bath. And she loves being naked. She can move around better naked than she can with her diaper on, so I think that is the reason.

If you are holding her she tries to stand and sit up on her own. She is not a huge fan of the bumbo chair I got her just yet, but she will sit in it longer and longer everyday.

And so much more.

(One of her favourite expressions)

'nuff said

2010-04-28T11:42:00.000-07:00

Here she is at 11 weeks 5 days. Perfection.

Didn't Even Get Up to Pee

2010-04-20T07:17:00.000-07:00

There are so many cute pics of Rhian I want to share. But since I'm not home, I'm not uploading (or is that downloading) them onto a computer just yet. But she is gaining all the requisite chubbiness required of babies. She is trying so, so, so hard to sit up, roll over and laugh. I can sit and stare at her all day long (and have done that!).

She is also sleeping through the night! Woo Hoo! She is sleeping still (its 8:15 AM) and went down last night around 10:30. Usually I wake up to pump anyway - but I've decided that is nuts. So, I actually got an uninterrupted 8 hours last night. I didn't even get up to pee. That would be the first time since before I got pregnant. No joke. Although my breasts were about to explode in the morning. It was worth it. She has been sleeping 8 - 10 hours at night for the last week or so, so I'm hoping this new pattern sticks.

Family

2010-04-09T08:34:00.000-07:00

Rhian and I have been spending lots of time seeing lots of extended family while we are here. She has been wonderful and easily wins everyone over.

But my favourite comment so far was from my Great Aunt. She is 81 now, and not getting around very well. She has 12 (I think) children of her own, and 28 grandchildren and a bunch of great grandchildren.

She says to me: "I heard you picked the dad out of a line-up".

Too funny.

She added: "Good for you"

Made it!

2010-04-02T19:08:00.000-07:00

Rhian, me, Grandma, and Daphne (the cat!) made it to Edmonton. And I have to say the flight part was fine. But man, was it stressful deciding what to pack, how we were going to get everything in a vehicle, and to top it off dealing with my sweet kitty.

Turns out, the kitty and the baby were NO PROBLEM. AT ALL. I know that isn't likely to happen every time we travel, but I was sure grateful that for our first travel it went well. What we did run into was nasty, awful service from the airline with my country's name in it. Seriously, how incompetent do you have to be to send people to 3 different line-ups to check your baggage. Damn good thing we were there 2 hours early for a domestic flight - we JUST made the plane.

We are here now though, and things are going well. I'm loving having help with Rhian. Grandma is so very good with her. And one night, Grandma slept with her and did the night feedings. I got 6 hours of sleep in a row. Heaven. (Only 6 since I have to pump). And then the next night, Rhian just slept for 6 hours straight. From 10 PM 'til 4AM. So, I went to sleep at 11 and got 5 straight hours. And then she went ahead and slept until 8 AM. She isn't napping much during the day - so I'm on my toes alot without a break during the day, but its OK since I'm getting a bit more sleep.

I'm seeing a Dr. here now as well. Just before I left, my Dr. called to tell me that my white cell count was really high again. She put me on antibiotics, and asked that I see someone here to follow up with more bloodwork. Did that. Still have the infection! Rhian is 8 weeks old today - and my incision is still infected. The good news is that new Dr. called and my white cell count is down, so the infection is getting better. Now on a topical antibiotic and an oral antibiotic.

I also took Rhian to a chiropractor. She really has painful gas attacks and has trouble pooing. I was doing some google research, and it turns out that many chiropractors deal with infants who have colic. One chiropractor emailed me when I had some questions and said that there is a saying that Chiropractor's kids don't get colic. (never heard it myself, but I was surprised to learn that many people use a chiropractor for colicky, gassy babies). Now, Rhian doesn't have colic, but she can sure get uncomfortable. So she had a treatment, and I'll let you know if I notice a difference. She goes back next week.

C'est tout, from here. I'm being a bad, bad commenter lately - but I'm reading everyone's blogs, and will comment again when I get a chance.

Boobage

2010-03-22T21:30:00.000-07:00

My boobs are failing me.

More like they are failing Rhian. We were having quite a time a couple of weeks ago. All of a sudden Rhian would not, not, not take the breast. She would suck for about a minute, and the screaming and crying would start. And it wouldn't stop. I'd try to put her back on the breast, and she would just fuss and scream and cry. It was awful. It was stressful. It was not, at all, the nice bonding time that is supposed to happen when you breastfeed your baby. AT ALL. We were both stressed out. And it went on for a couple of days. Just a crying, fussing, screaming baby - and me... trying to feed her pretty much constantly. It was awful.

Finally, I gave up and started pumping. And I pumped and I pumped and I pumped. When I pumped (still happens) I'd get lots of milk at first, and then suddenly it just stops and I have to pump for a few more minutes before anything happens again. And I'd have to have 3 or 4 sessions before I'd get enough milk to satisfy her for one feed. So I supplemented with formula. And you know what? I have a happy, content, satisfied baby. Thank goodness. So since then I've been pumping and occassionally supplementing with formula. And for the most part it is working. But I also got a prescription today to bring my milk in more, so hopefully that will work.

On the upside - the boobs look fantastic. I never considered getting a boob job, but after seeing what they could look like all the time - hell, I'm considering it. Really.

Rhian now weighs 9 lbs 7 oz - which puts her in the 50th percentile for her weight, and she is in the 25th percentile for length (do you say height when they cannot stand?). Other than a blocked tear duct and goopy eyes, she is doing really well.

Me - not so much. Milk supply is down and needs to improve or I'm going to go insane with all the pumping. And there's the infection. Still have it. Crap. I knew it wasn't gone, since my incision is still bleeding a bit. Arghhh... I'm back on antibiotics, have a topical cream for the incision, and have to get more bloodwork done.

One day this will get better. But I'm pretty tired of it all.

Mom is back tomorrow and here until Saturday. Then we are in Edmonton for about a month or more. It will be great to see family, and have people around. I'm really looking forward to it - even if it did snow there yesterday.

Top 5 New Mommy Moments

2010-03-16T19:30:00.000-07:00

5. Almost calling the Newborn Hotline because Rhian was sleeping. In my defense, she was sleeping ALOT. Really, lots and lots - something I know most Moms dream of, but I thought it was pretty abnormal. Turns out its not, and she is fine. She is still a great sleeper. (knocking on wood)

4. Taking Rhian to the doctor, where she pees all over the examination table and herself. Not a problem except that I didn't have an extra sleeper for her. Took home naked baby in the car seat in the middle of February. At least we had a warm February. Bad for Olympics. Good for naked baby.

Here's the proof: Baby in the car seat, only wrapped in a blanket. Don't worry, she was wrapped in more than just this.

3. Baby's first bath at home. In the roaster.

The baby bath that was given to me is just huge for her right now. The roaster seemed like a better option.

2. "Mama, why is there a burp cloth on my head?"
- don't even ask

1. My perfect little angel:

Efficiency and Update

2010-03-07T11:16:00.000-08:00

I used to think I was organized. Really, I managed to work everyday, socialize, keep a relatively clean house, and get all my errands done in a timely fashion. But I have to say nothing compares to how efficient I have to be to get anything done with the baby. And for some reason I'm a bit surprised at it, I expected it, just not to this degree. It sort of reminds me of when I moved to Japan, didn't speak any Japanese - and I would be excited if I got one extra thing done in a day. (Really, it was a days adventure to get things mailed home, or to go to the bank, or - heaven forbid, I'd have to get to the immigration office to renew my work visa).

This having a baby thing is the same (sort of). If I get one extra thing done a day its amazing to me. Like the other day - I managed to chop veggies and make a fruit salad. I'm still able to shower every day, make my bed, and keep up with the dishes - but anything beyond that may or may not get done. And when it comes to getting that stuff done, I'm remarkably efficient now. I never know how long she will sleep, or how much time I have - so I move fast!

I am doing much, much better. I had about 3 days of being weepy pretty much constantly, but it got much better since then. It was the intensity of emotion that got to me, and that I felt so out of control with it. And even though I have moments of feeling overwhelmed with everything - I certainly feel a lot like myself again. I know it may come back, but at least I know what to expect.

On the infection front, it seems to be under control finally. Not gone, just under control. Turns out it was an e-coli infection! Nice. And it had always been an e-coli infection. If the hospital had actually looked at the results from my first culture that they took at the beginning of Feb. it would be gone by now. But, now we know. I'm on new antibiotics. The incision looks good, and isn't draining nearly as much. My white cell count is going down too. And I have some energy and some colour back in my face. (Mom said I looked ghastly for a while there. When I look at pictures - she was right!). We've been going for walks along the seawall daily (not long ones - but enough to appease my soul).

And someone is waking up!

4 Weeks Old... already

2010-03-05T10:45:00.000-08:00

Rhian is 4 weeks as of yesterday. I can hardly believe she has been with me for 4 weeks already. In so many ways it feels like she has always been part of my life, and in other ways I still can't believe she is mine.

I was going to do a post titled "Can't. Stop. Crying - The Baby not me!" We had a bit of a time yesterday, and it turns out she was a wee bit constipated. OK, a lot constipated. Doesn't happen often with breastfed babies, but she was definitely in distress. All Day Long. By the time she actually had a poo we were both completely spent. Poor thing.

Today I feel like I have my daughter back.

So, here is Rhian at 4 weeks:

So That Was Gross (OR C-Sections can really be a pain)

2010-02-25T20:23:00.000-08:00

Really, really, gross.

Today was a big day for Rhian and I. Our first outing alone. Not a particularly exciting one. I had to get to the lab for a blood draw (to make sure that nasty infection had disappeared). The plan was to walk to the lab with baby in the buggy, get my blood drawn, and walk home by the water (and torch)again. I figured if the lab wasn't busy we'd be gone about an hour. I had a bottle pumped just in case I wasn't anywhere I could nurse comfortably - and we were set.

So off we went.

And we made it through the Olympic chaos that is my neighbourhood lately, and got into the elevator to go to the lab.

and then I felt it.

It being a sticky, gooey mess all over my lower abdomen, that reminded me of my trip to emergency when my stiches popped open. I looked down and didn't see anything right away, but I could feel it. And then I saw it.

IT: A pussy, gory, bloody, nasty infection streaming out of my incision - again.

And since I was already at the lab. I took a number and waited to get my blood drawn. Since I wasn't about to repeat this feat tomorrow given the circumstances.

The way I saw it I had a couple of choices. I could walk the 10 minutes with Rhian to emergency ... again. And, well - they did such a bang up job on me the last 3 times I was there - I just was less than keen. So I asked the lab tech for the address to the nearest walk-in-clinic. (Turns out the resident before was right - you do get better care there than in the hospital emergency).

I went to the clinic and was seen right away. Dr. took a culture (now there's a thought!) and cleaned me up (sort of), gave me antibiotics and sent me back to my doctor.

I then walked to the drug store to fill the prescription, and then home and I was still oozing all over the place. But of course - there is no infection.

I'm really angry that every Dr. I've seen about this keeps putting me off and just sending me home without looking at it (except my family Dr. - but she was taking cues from my OB and the hospital). And it took a Dr. at a walk-in clinic to get a good culture and send it off so I can get on antibiotics that work. And now I'm back to being in pain, oozing lots of gunk, and my Mom isn't around anymore.

Thankfully, My Doula is coming tomorrow.

I'm looking forward to getting some sleep.

I'm looking forward to healing. I wonder how long I'll have to say that.

Cannot. Stop. Crying. (With Update!)

2010-02-21T20:14:00.000-08:00

Update: I'm doing better today. Still weepy, but nothing like yesterday or the night before last. I've arranged to have company today, tomorrow and Wednesday - so that I have time to get the doula in place. I emailed my birth doula, who emailed a post partum doula and asked her to contact me. She didn't get the chance. But I have her contact information and I'm going to fire an email off to her right away.

I also managed to put baby in a snuggli today, and wander around a bit. That really helped, and she liked it for a while. So maybe a wander to the water is in order. The buggy is out, since I have to lift it up and down stairs to get into my building. And I still can't lift anything. So its the snuggli - or I'm stuck in the house. And that will definitely drive me batty.

Thanks for your thoughts everyone. They really, really, really help.

I mean me. Not the baby.

Mom left today. The tears started last night after we had a discussion about my cat. Crazy, but it set off a litany of tears that just won't stop. And after Mom left today, they just kept coming. They are still streaming down my face, and its 8:13 PM.

Rhian is great. Sound asleep, and soon to wake up for more milk. We do great together, and except for my severe crying spell, we are just fine.

But I don't normally cry like this at all. And although I know hormones can do evil things to you - I never thought it would be anything this intense.

I've called a friend to come over for a while tonight, to just listen to me freak out a bit. And I'm going to contact a post-partum doula to come in a couple of times next week (I already emailed her actuallly). Particularly if this doesn't stop.

I don't know how to make it stop. I just think of the baby and start to cry. Or I think of the cat and start to cry. Or the Oreo cookie I just ate. I was crying as I put my dinner dish in the dishwasher. Seriously, this is nuts.

I'm so upset I can't even pump an ounce of breast milk.

I don't know what to do.

On the Mend - with update

2010-02-17T17:02:00.000-08:00

I was at my family doctor yesterday for a follow up of the incision and infection. Although she thought it was healing OK, she wanted me to see my OB and see if they could get me in just to be sure that the infection wasn't still brewing under the incision.

So I called my OB, who was at the hospital that day and today, and asked me to see him there. Which is much more convenient for me. We waited for a while and then saw the same resident who drained the infection in emergency for me. Then my OB came over, took a 3 second look and said it was fine. He thought the infection was gone, but I'm still to finish the antibiotics (I have 4 days left) and I'll see him in 6 weeks.

I'm grateful. I was very worried that he would say it was still infected (its quite red and a bit puffy still) and would want to open it up to drain me again. That would not be good, especially since Mom is leaving on Sunday, and if my healing took another set back, I'd be hiring a post-partum doula to come in pretty much full time for a bit. Something I cannot afford to do.

But I have a good bill of health and in a few days should be doing even better than I am now. Woo Hoo. Tomorrow we are heading out for a bit of a walk. Rhian's first outing NOT to an emergency room or doctors office. I can't wait to put her in the red buggy for a bit. We are going to walk down to see the Olympic torch.

Update: Well, my family doctor called with my blood test results shortly after I finished this post. My white blood cell count is up indicating that I'm still fighting infection. But given what my OB said today, we are just watching it. I go for more blood tests next week and see my doctor again. So, it ain't over - but I guess if my results were really poor, she'd have me in immediately and would call my OB to discuss the results. I'm happy to just wait and see.

Cuteness

2010-02-15T19:41:00.000-08:00

A Birth Story

2010-02-14T11:29:00.000-08:00

Caveat. Rhian's birth was not uneventful. Although after feeling any contractions I wouldn't consider any birth uneventful. I think I'll start with a bit of a caveat first. Despite the few glitches that went on, overall, Rhian and I had excellent care at the hospital. During the birth we went through 3 shift changes (Yes, they work 12 hour shifts) and with the exception of a couple of care providers (1 resident, 1 nurse) I am very, very happy with the care we got, and would recommend the hospital to someone else. I will try to write something balanced that doesn't focus on the few things that really upset me, and that I will talk to my OB about when I see him in 6 weeks.

The Hospital. I delivered at St. Paul's hospital in Vancouver. Partly because it is literally a 10 minute walk from where I live, but also because of the philosophy of the maternity centre. You labour and deliver and recover all in one room (c-sections excepted of course), they firmly believe in skin to skin contact as soon as the baby is born, and encourage immediate breastfeeding. My OB works out of the hospital as well. They have great jacuzzi tubs to labour, for each room. They specialize in maternal care for high risk patients (GD for example).   I was nothing but comfortable with my choice and would certainly go back (if I have another) and would recommend the hospital to others.

The Birth Plan. I really did not have one. Seriously, I had some things that I wanted to avoid if possible, but I knew that I would be using an epidural, and always said that if I needed a c-section that would be ok too. Whatever was best for the baby. What I was concerned about, and did not want to happen, was a prolonged labour that ended in a c-section anyway. I just thought it would be easy to catch early, and I could make a decision about a c-section that was likely or imminent, not to far into the process. I've since learned that this is NOT necessarily the case. Yikes.

My OB appointment. I had an OB appointment on Monday, Feb. 1. At that time my cervix was 1 cm dialated, and very soft. OB and I decided that he should induce if nothing happened by Wednesday. I'd be in the middle of my 40th week at that point, and with the GD, and my increasing discomfort, we decided that would be best. Also, he thought that if we did the cervidil on Wednesday, given the state of my cervix, I'd likely deliver by morning and he was on call that night. So it would be my OB delivering the baby (never a guarantee here). So Woo Hoo - we are on our way.

Acupuncture. I told my doula that I was being induced on Wednesday and she emailed me with the most brilliant idea. Acupuncture for labour or preparation for labour is a fantastic idea. I called the place she recommended and they came to me. The idea is that if you are being induced, the acupuncture would augment the induction. The acupuncturist told me that with the treatment women rarely need more than one dose of cervidil. So I had the acupuncture at home. Loved it. Not as relaxing as acupuncture for fertility - but great all the same. I know not everyone buys into acupuncture but I do - and feel like I respond well. Since I was already dialated and my cervix was soft, she decided to do a session for inducing labour.

Induction. On Wednesday, February 3 at 10:35 AM I was induced with cervidil at St. Pauls. Not a big production at all. They put you on a fetal monitor for 20 minutes, if all is well, they insert the cervidil. For those not in the know its a wafer type thing on a string that releases prostaglandin. The prostaglandin prepares your cervix and can cause contractions. My OB fully expected I would need more than one dose of it and we made plans to return that night after 10:00 PM if nothing was happening.

Waiting for Something to Happen. By 12:00 PM I was ready to leave the hospital, and Mom and I went for lunch, hung out at the mall for a bit, and then home. By 3:00 PM I was feeling some pressure, and some cramping. But it wasn't like menstrual cramping for me. Certainly it was in the same area as menstrual cramps, and I had a back ache. It was nothing to write home about, and I would not (at that time) have said that I was having contractions. It was uncomfortable, it was pressure, and after dinner I went to lie on the couch to try to relieve some of the pressure. This was at about 6:15 PM.

My water broke immediately. I ran (no - shuffled, who are we kidding) to the bathroom and gushes and gushes of water came out of me. Insane. I knew instantly what happened, and when it felt like it was slowing down I got up, changed my clothes, and took a quick look. The water was green/brown.

I knew enough to know this was not good. So, took a look at my pamphlet the hospital gave me and it did cover this situation. Call or go to the hospital immediately. I did not want to go to the hospital just yet if I didn't have to. But we called the hospital and were told to be there within an hour. They asked me how my contractions were, and I said I wasn't having any yet. My water just broke. Definitely come in they said. The green fluid is from meconium (sp?) aka MEC . They explained the baby had a bowel movement and was likely ingesting the fluid. Yuck. The risk of infection was high, and I needed to come in asap because they wanted to make sure the baby was delivered within 24 hours to decrease the risk of infection. I called my doula and told her I'd give her a call from the hospital once we got there. She told me to expect to be placed on a monitor, put in a room and then put on Oxytocin to get labour moving quickly.

So, off we go. But not until I run into my landlord outside and ask him to fix the fan on the stove before I got home. Might've been in a bit of shock. Don't get me wrong, I didn't search out my LL, he just happened to be on the street.

Getting to the Hospital. Mom and I arrived at the hospital at about 6:45 (I do live close) and they put me on a fetal monitor in the assessment room at first. Baby was doing fine, and I was clearly having contractions that could be seen on the monitor. They asked me if I could feel anything. And I explained the pressure and the cramping, but I didn't think those were contractions. Not sure what I was expecting exactly, I guess I thought I would feel a lot more all over my abdomen, not only so far down. Anyway, I saw a resident, moved to a birthing room, and got myself hooked up for continuous monitoring (not the ideal situation) and hooked up to Oxytocin.

An Oxytocin Lesson. This drug is not your friend unless your body is producing it naturally. It brings contractions on hard and fast. Much quicker and much more intensely than if you were to go into labour on your own. They start you at a low dose and monitor baby as they increase the dosage. I started the Oxytocin shortly after 10:PM They want to make sure that the baby can tolerate the contractions. Throughout this process Rhian was not tolerating things that well. She would do brilliantly, and then have huge dips in her heart rate. At the same time, I was breathing through contractions that were coming on at about 2 minutes apart, and were really intense. By 2:00 AM, I was not coping all that well, and wanted some sort of good drug to make it all go away. I also realized at this point that what I was feeling at home and earlier on, were actual contractions they were just mild. Even at this stage I could not feel the "tightening" everyone kept asking me about. I just felt intense, painful pressure, and a very sore back. But before the drugs would come, I needed a resident to check me out.

The Evil Resident. This woman was a BITCH. Really unnecessary as far as I was concerned. Anyway, she wanders into my room at about 2:45 - 45 minutes later than she said she would come back when she first put me on the Oxytocin. And I hurt. I am still coping, but knew I wouldn't be much longer. Anyway, she comes in and says "I hear you think I should check you." Pardon me??? No, YOU said you would be back 45 minutes ago, and you didn't come. I want an epidural - like YESTERDAY. I ignored her - because really - there was this contraction annoyance to deal with that was a bit more pressing.

She says to me, that she thought it was too early to check and that I would be disappointed if I hadn't progressed much. She wanted to wait a few more hours to check me - unless of course "I wanted an epidural already!"   "After all, you've only been in real labour for a couple of hours". Well, well - FUCK YOU! Nuff said.

Here is the thing. I may have only been in hard labour since about midnight, but let me assure you the stuff before "hard" labour is no picnic either. And now we are hitting 3 AM. The contractions are 2 minutes apart, and I'm barely withstanding things. I am functioning, and maybe could have withstood things for a few more hours. But
WHY? WHY?   When I could alleviate things. AND since I knew I wanted the epidural, if I hadn't progressed much, why go through 3 more hours of this just to dialate the extra cm. and then get the epidural? For the hero cookie I'll get at the end of the day? She can stuff her hero cookies. So - I told her I wanted the epidural. She told me she needed to check with my OB. She came back later (not sure how long this took her) and said my OB was more than happy to give me the epidural, in fact, I could have had it earlier if I wanted. Ducky.

She checks me. I have not progressed even a little bit since my Dr.s appointment two days earlier. Wow.

My Doula then explained that you don't normally deal with contractions as strong as mine were showing on the monitor and as often, until you were at least 6 cm dilated. That needing/wanting an epidural now is more than normal for an induction with Oxytocin, and the resident is nuts if she thinks you could hang on longer if I'm progressing so slowly.

I'm just glad the epidural guy is coming my way.

The First Epidural Guy. That's right. The FIRST! He is also a resident and it takes about 30 - 40 minutes for him to get the epidural in, and another 20 minutes or so for it to take effect. By the time it took effect it was close to 5:00 AM.    I'd been on the oxytocin since 10:00 PM.   And let me tell you - LIFE WAS GOOD. REALLY GOOD.   I couldn't move, and I did NOT care. I tried to get a bit of sleep.

Checked Again. My next check was about an hour or two later - I'm sort of sketchy on the time, but it must have been 6 or 7 AM. The same evil resident was around, and this time I'm a whopping 2 cm. On the monitor my contractions were really strong, and intense. I just wasn't getting anywhere. And by this point I'm a bit suspicious that things are not going as text book as everyone would like.

Bit of a Scare. My time recollection is a bit sketchy here, but I know this happened after the first epidural and before the second one. Anyway, at one point, one of the nurses moved to the other side of me and pulled out an oxygen mask, someone else ran out for a doctor. They turned off the oxytocin. Rhian's heart rate dipped very low and she was just not handling the contractions at all. Once the oxytocin was off though her heart rate went back to normal and she was fine.

A resident came in at that point, and they decided to put me back on the Oxytocin (after they shut it off) at a very low dose and increase it incrementally again. So we started at 2 units, and they increased it by 2 units every 15 minutes. Rhian and I were being monitored constantly. She seemed to tolerate the increases well, and as we approached the level she was at earlier, I expected they would stop increasing the drug. But they didn't they kept on increasing it. I guess they want to get you to a point where contractions are at least a minute apart and are very strong. We weren't there yet, and as it turns out wouldn't get there.

Here is where I wish I had been a bit more assertive. We kept having conversations around a c-section, but not really addressing the issue. The doctors and nurses all kept assuring me that we weren't at that point yet, that Rhian had recovered well, was doing fine, and we should keep on going. But deep down, I knew. I knew that things were not going as smoothly as they should and that this just wasn't going to happen. I really wish I had made it clear that I did not want to be in labour forever, and that if a c-section was likely we should just go in and do it. But I was encouraged by everyone saying she was doing ok.

And then things started to progress a bit. So I was even more encouraged. Until...

Isn't an Epidural Supposed to Stop Pain? When you get an epidural, the pain stops. Its like heaven. You can sleep (sort of - nurses and doctors keep prodding you so you don't actually ever sleep). But you can talk, have a rest, and concentrate on what is going on. At first, I felt no pain whatsoever. But as the contractions got stronger and more frequent I started to feel a little bit again. I didn't mind it so much since you have little "top up button" you can press if you need a bit more medication. And it was good to have more of a sense of what was going on. But pretty soon, I was topping it up at every possible moment. (You can only hit the button once every 8 minutes or so). And then I wanted to hit the button 3 or 4 times a shot. I was having trouble breathing through the contractions, and pretty soon felt them full on again. The nurses called the anesthesiologist to up the base-line amount of medication for me, and that helped someone. But a few minutes later, I was back to beating on the button, and breathing through contractions.

Finally, my Mom - yes, Mom - turned me over a bit and noticed blood on the sheet behind my back. She looked and the line was leaking out and I simply wasn't getting medication. Why my mom had to do this and not a nurse to look into it was beyond me - but at least she caught it. Since I was pretty miserable again. And it felt like I was miserable forever.

The nurses called the anesthesiologist, who came about half an hour later, and got a re-so on the epidural.

Life was good again. For a while.

Progress? Maybe? Please? A resident checked me. (I'm on my second shift - or maybe my 3rd by now). And I was a whopping 6 cm, and she said the baby was coming down. Finally. So we kept at it.   Then a couple of hours later she checked again and said I was about 8 cm. Woo HOO! We are on our way. And thank goodness, since I'm tired. We are easily hitting 24 hours of labour by now, and I haven't eaten for at least 36 hours. I'm hungry, I'm really tired. And ... I'm in pain again? WTF? I'm checked again by a resident and now I'm 8 cm. Wow!

Sunny Side Up. Finally, an actual obstetrician comes in to see me. And she checks me. Her assessment is that I'm not 8 cm dilated, maybe I'm 7 and the baby isn't far enough down for pushing. I could stay in labour for a few more hours and see what happens, but she doesn't think the baby is going to come down. Turns out, she is sunny side up. Her head is down, but she is facing up.   That means the largest part of the head is trying to get through first, and it just isn't happening. And, likely isn't going to happen. She recommends a c-section. Its now 8PM on Thursday night. I got to the hospital around 7:00 PM on Wednesday. We decide to go in for the C-section. BTW, babies can be born sunny side up - if they can get through the birth canal with the largest part of their head going down first. Birthing this way causes prolonged labour (no kidding!), more painful contractions, and back labour. I had been checked many times, and although everyone thought that Rhian was tilted a bit, that she was face up was not discovered until now.

It should only be an Hour. Turns into two hours since the woman next to me (who came in around 4PM on Thursday, was already delivering her baby) was demanding the obstetricians attention. But in we went. And I was scared. I've never had surgery before, so I was a bit freaked out. But it was ok - except for the crazy shaking (I'm told it was normal). But it didn't feel normal. I wasn't just shivering a bit, but really shaking. Oh - and they tried to just top up the epidural for me, but I was still feeling contractions, and could feel the ice (they put ice on you to determine if you are frozen in a certain area). After a maximum dosage of epidural was put in, I was still feeling everything (and needing to take time to breathe through contractions (which of course, I was still having!) they determined the epidural wasn't working. No Shit Sherlock. Not sure why doctors don't believe their patients when they tell them stuff - but it seems to be a bit epidemic. Anyway, they had to give me a spinal to freeze me right up.

I was nervous the spinal wasn't going to work either. And I was chatting with the anesthesiologist about this, and he just smiled, and said that they had already opened me up! I started to relax then, since obviously I didn't know they had started.

Apparently, at one point Mom freaked out a bit, because I had lost a lot of blood, and people were madly checking my blood pressure. I remember none of this - pretty sure I was in shock. But all went well. And I learned I had a baby girl.

Post OP. I got all sewed back up and wheeled into recovery. Still shaking. And I was there for 3 hours. And they wouldn't let Rhian come to see me during that time, so Mom held her and tried to calm her down until I got there. It was the most bizzare feeling ever to see your legs, and not feel ANYTHING. Even with the epidurals I could move my legs quite a bit, and could feel what was going on. Here, the nurse would move my legs, and I could see them moving, but they weren't really part of me sensation wise. I didn't like that at all. And I couldn't go back to my room until I could bend my knees.

Finally with Baby. At about 3AM on the 5th, I finally got to hold and feed Rhian. It was really wonderful, and after she fell asleep so did I (no kidding!). A nurse came in to check me right when I got back from recovery. But then I didn't see a doctor or nurse until about 12:00 PM the next day!! Not good. But they did come eventually, and all was well. There were a few more glitches - like my OB came in to see me that morning while on Rounds - and he didn't even know I had a c-section! And then there was the resident who came in on Saturday morning and said I could go home that day (not even 48 hours after a c-section). This caused the nurses, pediatrician, and another resident to give me shocked looks. Finally they gave me the choice to stay or go, and I decided that one more night with the nurses would be a good thing and stayed. Although, for the most part they were less than attentive. And then there was the infection (see earlier post). And I'm still dealing with that little complication.

In all I was in labour for 31 hours - only to end up with a c-section at the end of the day. Not good. And although I haven't mentioned her much in this post, my doula was really wonderful. And stayed with me throughout the whole birth, and waited for Mom to come back from the operating room with Rhian where she took pictures, and helped Mom keep baby calm. She was back the next day for me as well. During labour whe was immensely helpful with pain control techniques, offering information, and translating what doctors and nurses were telling me. I wouldn't go through labour again without one.

OK - I need to actually post this, even though I'm sure I've left a lot out. At the end of the Day I have a beautiful baby girl who I love, love, love. And how she got here, just feels so immaterial to me right now. I've been very blessed.

More Drama

2010-02-11T22:28:00.000-08:00

I've been a bad blogger lately. If its any consolation I've drafted most of Rhian's birth story, I just need to finish it.

But things like trips to emergency and doctors offices are hampering my blogging progress. I had a slight infection when I left the hospital and was on antibiotics for it. They didn't really work.

On Wednesday night, one of my stiches popped open and I was bleeding all over hell's half acre. Thought a trip to the hospital was in order.

Got to emergency, was fast-tracked. It appears that there is a pocket of fluid gathering below the incision that is swelling quite bad and it is infected. It put pressure on the stiches and they popped.

I had 2 residents from maternity look after me, and they drained the pocket, gave me more antibiotics (the same ones, just for longer) and sent me home. Home care was supposed to call me the next day to check on the wound. They called about 4:00 just as I was heading to my family doctor's to get her to look at it. The person who called me said wound care could not come around until ... SATURDAY ... This happened on Wednesday night. Its now Thursday night. So she suggested I go to a walk-in clinic.

Really? A damn walk-in clinic? I just had surgery, its infected, and your nutty residents didn't take care of the wound in emergency. I told her I was going to my own doctor, thank you very much, and if she thought having someone come out on Saturday would be useful I'd give her a call. Stupidy.

What they should have done was put me on IV antibiotics, drained the pocket, dressed it and THEN when I was taken care of send me home.

But no. They did not. So I sit her tonight, with a low grade fever of 38.4 and 38.7 respectively, dealing with chills and sweats, and having to feed and take care of a newborn.

We are watching it tonight, and heading back to emergency in the morning. Where I'm going to demand better treatment. Or at least my Mom will. Thank god she is a nurse, or I'd be in a complete panic.

I just want to heal so I can take care of Rhian.

A Gorgeous Baby Girl

2010-02-07T19:52:00.000-08:00

Wow! We are home.

Rhian Dawn (and the last couple of names I'm leaving out because they are easily identified) was born on February 4th at 11:03 PM by c-section (after being in labour well over 24 hours - but more on that later). She weighs 8 lbs, and is 20 inches long. No blood sugar issues, and is perfectly healthy. We got home today, and she is currently sound asleep in Granny's arms. I couldn't be more happy.

She is beautiful. But I'll let the pics speak for themselves:

Thats my girl.

At home... waiting.

2010-02-03T13:59:00.000-08:00

I went in this morning for the big induction. A bit anti-climactic if you ask me. And since you are reading my blog, I assume you did :-)

Anyway, after 20 minutes of monitoring, a cervix check (no change from last time) my OB inserted the cervidil. It looks like this cotton/wafer thingy that just sits at the back of your cervix. It releases a hormone that is supposed to cause contractions and get the cervix more ready. Then another hour of monitoring.

Went to the mall for lunch and shopping with Mom after, and the waiting game begins. I can go back to the hospital if I go into labour, have spottting, bleeding, water breaks, or unusual cramping. If I'm not in labour I can go back after 12 hours for another check and more cervidil if I need it.

I did have an acupuncture treatment yesterday to induce labour. It is supposed to help move labour along, and its supposed to support the cervidil. I love acupuncture and really believe it helped with the IVF in the first place. So I hope it works.

There was also a bit of confusion when I first got there, and the nurses at intake were going to admit me because of the diabetes. I was told by my OB that they wouldn't have to admit me since my sugars have been so stable lately. So, I am very happy that my OB was the one at the hospital today, or I might still be there. I'm much more comfortable at home.

Bring it on!

ATTENTION! All Guests at Hotel Utero

2010-02-01T16:48:00.000-08:00

Hotel Utero will no longer be able to host guests that overstay their welcome. Therefore, all guests should be advised that Hotel Utero will begin shutdown operations on Wednesday, February 3 - regardless of whether or not guests have moved out. Management highly recommends that all guests begin packing their belongings, and if at all possible, begin clearing out before shutdown operations begin.

It is expected that Hotel Utero will be empty by Thursday, Februray 4 at the latest.

The Management at Hotel Utero regrets any inconvenience this may cause guests, particularly any long-term guests. However, Management guarantees such guests ongoing and continuing care, love, and happiness once you have vacated the Hotel.

Thank-you for your cooperation.

Nothing Going on Here

2010-01-30T12:21:00.001-08:00

Nada...

Re-arranging the living room furniture.

Not Even Close

2010-01-27T17:20:00.000-08:00

Well, I suppose time-wise I'm close to having the baby. But at my OB's this afternoon we found out I'm not dialated at all, and my cervix is bouncing around like it normally does (not that I knew it normally did that - but apparently...). The plan was for me to go in for a "sweep" today, which would likely start labour in a few days. But my cervix wasn't ready for it. So we are waiting. And I guess Mom and I will spend time shopping, watching movies, and doing last minute baby prep things. I've only got mom here until mid February for help, so hopefully baby doesn't plan to make too late an appearance.

My OB sort of wants to induce me because of the GD. But at the same time if he did it now, it could be days before I had the baby and the induction would just go on and on and on. No one wants that.

And since my insulin levels are stable, he is happy to wait until early next week before doing anything more. I go back on Monday.

Sigh. "Baby wants OUT" is my new mantra for the next little bit.

OH - and as requested. Here is me yesterday 39 w 1 day... And I thought I brushed my hair!!!

Maybe in a Week

2010-01-25T15:08:00.000-08:00

I will be holding my baby in my arms.

I'm 39 weeks today. So, my due date is only a week away. Really, I could have this baby any time, and I couldn't be more excited.

I had my fetal monitoring this morning, and things are looking up. We even picked up a contraction on the monitor (that I couldn't feel) and that is the first time that has happened. So my body is doing something! I see the OB on Wednesday.

Sleep is pretty elusive for me at the moment too. I cannot get comfortable at night at all, and find that I don't really get any consecutive sleep until about 4:00 AM. I can sleep pretty well until about 8 or so after that, but before that I'm constantly going to the bathroom and then trying to find a comfortable position.

In my latest of pregnancy related ailments I get to complain about my ribs. Yep. Ribs. So whatever that hormone is that relaxes your ligaments to prepare for child birth is working really well, and it appears that my ribs on my left hand side have shifted a bit and are pinching a nerve. Excellent. Its actually quite painful and I frequently have to change positions to get rid of the burning sensation. My OB tried to move them back into place last visit - but it did not go so well. So I get to put up with it until baby comes.

It does make me wonder how people with husbands, boyfriends, partners, make this work this late in pregnancy. I'm guessing there is a lot of couch sleeping! Really, I'm up constantly, have serious indigestion and heartburn, wear large plastic splints on both arms (for the carpel tunnel) with which I've been known to accidently whack the kitty with when I'm sleeping, and have a hell of a time moving. Its a big production to just sit up from a sleeping position to go pee.

And soon, all of that will just be a memory, and my baby will be here.

No Elevators

2010-01-23T10:52:00.000-08:00

For the second time in as many weeks. Last time it was out for 4 days. Which makes me nearly 39 weeks pregnant and living on the 7th floor.

OK - I protest too much since it really only amounts to 5 flights of stairs since the Main floor is the 2nd floor.

But still. If this doesn't put me into labour nothing will.

I'm not the only one

2010-01-21T18:58:00.000-08:00

Having crazy dreams lately.

Got this email from my brother (who is travelling in Malaysia right now):

"Hi,
just want to let you know I'm thinking about you everyday. Had a very weird dream last night...you had a kitten! not a baby! Fuck! Cute kitten though...reminded me of my cat Wednesday! Malaria meds can be a bit scary! Love you. Ty"

Excellent. Lets just say its one big kitty!

I did a bad, bad thing

2010-01-19T21:39:00.000-08:00

But man, was it yummy!

I found some "no sugar added" ice cream. And it has a very low sugar count. But it is still quite high in carbs. And that doesn't mean I can't eat any. It just means I should keep it to a real serving size ie: 3/4 of a cup.

But blogland ... did I do that? Nooooooooo

I had a whole big bowl of it. And I topped it with some pineapple and some banana. All by themselves that is 2 of my 5 servings of carbs allowed for dinner. Add the ton of ice cream and I've gone over, way over. And that doesn't count the dinner I had before that.

Just so you get an idea, my sugar level before dinner was a great 4.4 (it should be between 4 and 5 before a meal). Woo hoo.

My sugar level 1 hour after eating, and after a half hour of aerobics (yes, still going strong even at 38 weeks!):

10.2

I haven't seen a number that high since before I was on insulin. I'm trying to stay a bit busy tonight and not sit on my butt. But I'm not being very good at that right now.

Guess I thought I should celebrate that the diabetes Dr. didn't feel like he needed to see me anymore today. Ha!

I'm guessing I won't have lost any weight this week either!

At least it doesn't happen all that often.

BTW:

IT WAS TOTALLY WORTH IT!

Last Day

2010-01-13T06:52:00.000-08:00

Of work today.

But not really. Not forever. Because ...

I have a job until May 2011, after I come back from maternity leave!!!

I'm doing the happy dance.

AND ...

I keep my maternity leave top-up. The government will give you 52 weeks of maternity and parental leave, but it maxes out at about $400 a week.

I'm really doing the happy dance.

That gives me about 6 months of top up from my employer - half at 95% of my gross salary and the remaining 3 months at about 75%.

We will be ok.

Still doing the happy dance.

It was actually a bit of work to get this position. And because I am very happy with how things have ultimately turned out, I'm not going to blog the details of my little work saga (you never know who is reading). Lets just say I had the unfortunate experience of feeling AT FIRST like my human rights had been completely trampled on by an employer that I have complete respect for. Shocking.

But, at the end of the day, they made me an offer in a different department (human rights - ironically) that is a very good opportunity for me, gives me my top up, and keeps my foot in the door at work for something more permanent. I also think it is a better job than the initial one as well. And, I don't return to work until October or November! (I can take a full year, but can't afford that). So I'll have the summer to spend with the baby, and only a couple of months with a lower income. And I've saved for that.

So, I'm thrilled about the situation, and a little nervous about moving to a new area of law. But its community based, public interest work - and I couldn't be happier. I will not be worrying about this while I'm on leave, and can just spend time with the baby and my family. It doesn't get much better. (OK - I could win the lottery and not have to work ever... yes, I buy tickets!).

As an aside, the same day I had a private family law firm email me about a position they needed to fill immediately as well.

My cup runneth over...

2 More Days

2010-01-11T16:11:00.000-08:00

Of Work.

OMG. I cannot believe the time has come for met to stop working. Technically my last day is Friday, but I have some vacation time left so I'm taking the rest of that this week as well. So, I'm only in on Tuesday and Wednesday. I'm heading in on Friday for a lunch with everyone, and I still need to clean out my office, but there is no rush for any of that. So, I'll go in on my own time - hopefully before the baby comes.

There might be more news on the work front this week too, but I'm not sure yet, so will post about that when/if it happens.

I went to buy the stroller/car seat yesterday and what a shock that was. Let me ask this:

Does EVERY new parent drive an SUV sized vehicle? Seriously.

I drive this:

Not only did the two models I had decided on NOT fit in my car hatch when I have a car seat installed, but neither did at least 7 others. The models that did looked to me like they would break in the wind, and I was pretty sure I wouldn't put my baby in them. None of them had any of the features I wanted, and had a ton of accessories I didn't want. Not only that, but they were HEAVY.

Suddenly it became apparent that I needed to choose a stroller that fit in my car before I chose the car seat. Since strollers are all compatible with different car seats. The other option was to buy the stroller I wanted and reconcile the fact that I wouldn't be taking it in the car with me. This IS doable in my neighbourhood. But I do like to get out of my neighbourhood occassionally so it just didn't seem practical.

This left me with not as many options as I'd like. But I found a pricey model that allows you to fold down the frame without the seat base attached to it. I can put the seat base/bassinet in the trunk, and the frame in the back seat. That still allows me the passenger seat for an adult passenger. Provided they have short legs.

Yep, in order for the car seat to fit properly, the passenger side seat is way up close and personal to the dash. These things are very large, and they all seemed to be about the same size.

Who knew?

Anyway, I love the one I have. Its Red (I wanted a purple one, but the colour has been discontinued). Has both a bassinet (so a newborn can lie flat - important for their spines), and a seat for later. It is reversable so baby can face you or face away from you. Also important to me. It is NOT a space hog, and folds down nicely for storage in my apartment and I can take it in my car. It turns on a dime, and I can manouver it easily with one hand. There is a storage bag on the bottom, and it comes with rain cover (seriously important in Vancouver), mosquito net and sun canopy. Oh, and the seat and bassinet fit on the same base, so you don't have to store two bulky items, just swap out the fabric.

What I found interesting is that when I looked up the reviews for the stroller the complaints were mostly that you had to take off the seat/bassinet base to fold it down, and that you had to swap out the fabric. For me, those were the selling features and deciding factors. At least one manufacturer is thinking about the small car owner/ urban dweller. I spent this afternoon assembling it (had a cancelled hair appointment!) and I still love it.

I also had my fetal monitoring today, and it was much quicker than last week. Baby was moving more (could have been the caffinated coffee I had in the morning) and that seemed to make the nurse happy. I was happy to leave after 20 minutes. Back next week for more monitoring.

A friend suggested a baby shower for me, and the thought initially was to wait until after the baby was born. I'm not particularly traditional, and honestly, not super sure that I want to have one. So, I'm having a potluck (my "Almost at the end of my Pregnancy Potluck!") at my apartment on Sunday (provided I'm not in labour) and suggesting that people bring a dish to eat, and a dish for me to throw in the freezer. I think this is a great idea. I don't have space for lots of baby stuff at the moment, but would still like to accept help from people and this seems like a good idea. I'll let you know how it goes.

Destroy it!

2010-01-10T08:57:00.000-08:00

I think I've mentioned before how very, very generous people have been supporting me and my baby to be. I am forever grateful for everything people have done. Truly.

A very dear friend had given me a complete travel system. It comes with a stroller, a toddler car seat, and an infant car seat. And the best part is you can attach the car seat to the stroller, so should you be in the car, there is no need to wake a sleeping baby. (I'm relatively sure that is not something you want to be doing on a regular basis). She and her husband delivered it to my house and installed the car seat for me. It also came with a toddler car seat for later on. I loved it. It looks like its in great shape, and has been very well stored and taken care of.

But. Isn't there always a but? Its an older model. And a friend had told me that if the seat is too old you can't use it. There is a child safety seat hotline you can call to find out if your car seat qualifies, and a website you can go to in BC to see if your model number had ever been recalled. I couldn't find my model number on the recall list, so I was feeling pretty confident that it was ok. But I called the hotline and gave the person the make, model number and the year of the seat just to be sure.

At the most, I was expecting the hotline clerk to say that although the model was older, if it was in good shape it could be used since it hadn't ever been recalled. But that is not what she said.

She said, "You need to destroy it, it cannot be used for any child anymore."

Apparently, the manufacturer only recommends the seat be used from 6 years from the manufacture date. After that, they recommend you don't use it. Also, if you were ever in an accident with a car seat that is too old, not recommended for use, or has been recalled - your insurance is void! That could be devastating.

So, I've been researching stroller/car seat combos and I've decided to buy a new one that has all of the features I will want for an infant to 3 years old. Pricey, but its the one piece of baby equipment me and the baby will be using constantly for at least 3 years. If you amortize the purchase price over 36 months, its really not that much to pay. (Besides on the baby purchases front, I've been pretty frugal so far - mostly because of space issues.) I've narrowed it down to 2 models and am heading out today to check them both out and make the purchase. Baby is almost here - I need to have at least the car seat installed, or I can't take my baby home from the hospital!

I am 37 weeks pregnant tomorrow and just waiting for baby to decide to appear. I go again for more monitoring tomorrow, but baby is moving around still so I'm sure all is well. I'm still getting my exercise in after every meal - my movements are just a bit slower lately, and my blood sugar has been very stable the last couple of weeks as well. So I'm pleased.

I also had my last prenatal with my doula last week and it went very well. I have to say for the SMC's out there, if you can afford a doula - no matter how you plan to give birth (home water birth, scheduled c-section) I highly, highly recommend you try to hire one. She has given me some videos to watch this week (I think because she knows I didn't take a class) and they were great. The best part was showing how the doula is able to support the labouring woman. Its hard to tell what that will look like sometimes, and the videos really helped. If you are in Vancouver or the Lower Mainland and are looking for a good Doula, email me and I'll pass on her information. Maybe I'll see if she minds if I post her information on my blog later on as well.

Oh, and I've tried to put the lemonade stand up, but having issues with the logo. As soon as I figure that out the stand is going up!

Explain this one!

2010-01-07T22:16:00.000-08:00

Why is it I feel the need to be perfectly, impeccibly groomed (in every possible respect) when I'm going in to see my OB? Its hysterical. (I was the same when I was going in for IUI's and for my IVF too).

Really, should I really care if my legs are a bit hairy when he is swabbing for Strep B. Should I be THAT concerned with the fact that I haven't had a bikini wax in months? Do I honestly think he will notice hairy armpits?

Apparently I do.

And I discovered a pregnancy dilemma that I hadn't really considered before. Really, it hadn't occurred to me until the other day. I bought some home waxing strips and thought I'd get the bikini line a bit more under control since I have ignored it for quite some time. (Sorry if that is too much information. But really, what are you reading this blog for if you are even a bit squeemish? :-) )

So, I had a shower and thought I'd get started with the rather unpleasant task. And I looked down, and came to this distressing realization...

I can't see ANYTHING down there at the moment. Really, nothing. And no amount of pregnancy contortionism was going to change that. I contemplated trying to wax with a mirror - and lets just say that little experiment really didn't work that well.

Some things are just worth going to a professional for I guess.