Today, for the first time, I felt like I probably can't do this. Not the raise a child part - but the labour part, the give birth part, the successfuly end up with a baby in my arms part. And where did this come from you ask. Well, my f***king prenatal class.
So a warning before you read on - I just got back from the class, and I'm still pretty upset. So not sure if you want to read this post, or just skip it to the next post when I'm a bit more cheerful and optimistic.
I chose my prenatal class carefully (or so I thought). One of the big reasons I took the class from the organization is that I liked that they were a non profit society, AND on their website they specifically welcomed single women. This was important to me because the last thing I wanted was to feel singled out, or embarrased to be there, or to feel like I didn't deserve to be there. I felt all of those things tonight, and right now just want to crawl into some dark cave somewhere and not come out.
First of all, I was the ONLY single woman in the class. And although I've hired a doula and my Mom is coming (hopefully, if we've timed things right) for the birth, and I won't be alone - it was a bit awkward at first. But I wasn't all that concerned yet, I figured that as time went on I'd feel a little less awkward, and it would be fine. In fact many of the participants were very nice and friendly and I started to relax a bit.
Then the class started. Well, lets just say it was ALL partner work. How to ease pain in labour, how your partner can help all of them with positions and techniques for a partner to do, how your partner can support you... Not one position or technique was helpful for someone without a partner. Nada.
Now, there were some Doulas-in-training there, and every time we went to practice a new technique the instructor made a point of asking one of them to come and work with me. Why she couldn't have asked at the beginning of class to have one of them work with me so they would just be there was beyond me. I generally ended up standing around on my own until someone "remembered" that I didn't have a partner to practice with. At one point she came up to me and said that I could bring a friend if I wanted to, or maybe my doula could come. IN FRONT OF EVERYONE! So I had to say that I didn't have anyone to come with me, and that I had hired a doula etc...
After that everyone (or so it seemed to me) was looking at me. I felt completely singled out and embarassed, and somehow less than all of the other participants by this point. I also felt, given the content of the class that really - I wouldn't be able to do this without a partner. BTW - something they knew ahead of time since it was part of their assessment form.
Then, after class she says to me that the rest of the classes aren't so partner focused. And that it wouldn't be always like this, not to worry. She also said that this was the first time in a long time that I was the only single woman there, and that usually there are a few. And that not all of the partners will come all of the time. I lost it. I just couldn't stop the tears from coming. Now it could be pregnancy hormones making me extra upset, or it could be that I'm still suffering from sugar crash from earlier today, or it could be that I have a right to be upset, and that it was just plain awful. Maybe a combination of things. But I'm banking on the latter right now. I don't know if I'll go back.
Isn't the whole point of these things to make you feel like you CAN do this, and to give you confidence? Why do I feel exactly the opposite right now? You know, in this entire journey - even though I'm having a baby on my own, I've never felt alone. Until tonight.