Feeling Better

Finally, I am feeling better about the goings on of last week.  I think I've pretty much digested the prenatal class fiasco, and I'm moving on.  I'll see what I can find next week, and if I can't find anything appropriate, I'll take a couple of extra sessions from my doula before the birth.  After talking to lots of people, the classes don't seem to be all that helpful, and I don't know of anyone who got a lot out of them.  I'm sure there are those out there who have, but I'm not walking into a situation like that again.  I already have a lot going on.  Time to simplify.

I still don't have an appointment from the endocrinologist about the GD.  But they did call me to see if I could come in today for a cancellation at 4:15.  They called my house at 1:30.  I got the message when I got home from work at 5:00.  I'll have to give them my work number.  She is hoping to get me in this week.  I hope so.  I just want a sense of the severity of my GD, and get some indication of what they expect me to do.  Other than stay off sugar.  Which I have to say is easy to do when your little one is kicking you in the gut every few minutes just to remind you!  Thanks baby.

On the job front, the funders were in the office for  a site visit today for the general program, not the family law program.  So, I wasn't really part of the visit.  But man, it was hard to smile and be nice when they've slashed the program.  But I did.  I'm hopeful that this will be the last time I need to deal with them, except on paper.  Although, a former co-worker of mine works there now, and she was at the meeting (we are both at new jobs now).  She is more than an aquaitance and co-worker, but maybe less than a good friend.  I like her and almost felt bad for her today.  She was almost in tears when she spoke with me, and asked about maternity leave for me.  When I told her the top up was gone for me, I could see her sink a little further in her seat, and she almost started crying.  The thing is, I don't hold this against her - it wasn't her decision at all (in fact, it wasn't until after the program was cut that she was transferred to work with our program).  But she still felt guilty.  So, I invited her to lunch and hopefully she will feel a bit better about it.  I need to tell her that I have a financial plan, and that I will be fine.  I think that will help a lot. She is not the one I want to feel guilty.

2 out of 3 IS bad

Good news first.

I emailed the instructor of my prenatal class and told her I wouldn't be coming back, why, and some suggestions for how this could have been handled better.  I also asked for a refund.  It was a hard email for me to write, since I was still pretty emotional about things last night.   I know some people thought I should stick with the class.  But one thing I learned from that night is that I did not want to have to deal with being the only single person in the class EVERY time.  As a choice mom, my issues are substantially different than those who are in a couple, and although I have no doubt that the instructor could accomodate me and address my issues.  Whenever she would, it would be clear that it would be pointed at me and only at me.  Its just too much.  I want to feel comfortable, happy, and excited to be there.  Not singled out.  This decision is best for me.

Anyway, she emailed me back with a very heartfelt apology and warm response.  I tell you kids, an apology sure goes a long way.  She offered me a full refund, and if I wanted to take the course privately, she would arrange that for the price I paid.

I'm not interested in a private class, since part of the point is to connect with new moms.  So, I will look for another class.  And if I don't find one that is ok.  Really, millions of women have children every day without a prenatal class.  And as Mom said - when your in labour it all amounts to a hill of beans anyway!  Too funny.

The not so Good News.

I have Gestational Diabetes.  Yep.  I took the 3 hour test, and my first hour blood work was high as was my 2nd hour.  By hour 3 my levels were back to normal.  But apparently if 2 out of 3 levels are high that meets the criteria for diagnosis.  Crap.  So, I've been referred to and Endocrinologist.  If I hadn't already lost my job I might be worried that my boss would have issues with all the work I'm missing lately for tests, appointments, and just feeling crappy in general.

I'm also sending good thoughts via the internet to my internet buddy over at the Vineyards (link is on the side).  She is going in today to have her baby girls!  I'm thinking of you!!!

So blogland and the universe, I am DONE with the bad Karma.  I've had my 3 things of bad luck lately (job, prenatal class, diabetes) and am expecting nothing but good stuff from here on in.

Just putting that out there.

My Meltdown (with a touch of public humiliation)

Today, for the first time, I felt like I probably can't do this.  Not the raise a child part - but the labour part, the give birth part, the successfuly end up with a baby in my arms part.  And where did this come from you ask.  Well, my f***king prenatal class.

So a warning before you read on - I just got back from the class, and I'm still pretty upset.  So not sure if you want to read this post, or just skip it to the next post when I'm a bit more cheerful and optimistic.

I chose my prenatal class carefully (or so I thought).  One of the big reasons I took the class from the organization is that I liked that they were a non profit society, AND on their website they specifically welcomed single women.  This was important to me because the last thing I wanted was to feel singled out, or embarrased to be there, or to feel like I didn't deserve to be there.  I felt all of those things tonight, and right now just want to crawl into some dark cave somewhere and not come out.

First of all, I was the ONLY single woman in the class.  And although I've hired a doula and my Mom is coming (hopefully, if we've timed things right) for the birth, and I won't be alone - it was a bit awkward at first.  But I wasn't all that concerned yet, I figured that as time went on I'd feel a little less awkward, and it would be fine.  In fact many of the participants were very nice and friendly and I started to relax a bit.

Then the class started.  Well, lets just say it was ALL partner work.  How to ease pain in labour, how your partner can help all of them with positions and techniques for a partner to do, how your partner can support you...  Not one position or technique was helpful for someone without a partner.  Nada.

Now, there were some Doulas-in-training there, and every time we went to practice a new technique the instructor made a point of asking one of them to come and work with me.  Why she couldn't have asked at the beginning of class to have one of them work with me so they would just be there was beyond me.  I generally ended up standing around on my own until someone "remembered" that I didn't have a partner to practice with.  At one point she came up to me and said that I could bring a friend if I wanted to,  or maybe my doula could come.  IN FRONT OF EVERYONE!  So I had to say that I didn't have anyone to come with me, and that I had hired a doula etc... 

After that everyone (or so it seemed to me) was looking at me.  I felt completely singled out and embarassed, and somehow less than all of the other participants by this point.  I also felt, given the content of the class that really - I wouldn't be able to do this without a partner. BTW - something they knew ahead of time since it was part of their assessment form.

Then, after class she says to me that the rest of the classes aren't so partner focused.  And that it wouldn't be always like this, not to worry.  She also said that this was the first time in a long time that I was the only single woman there, and that usually there are a few.  And that not all of the partners will come all of the time.  I lost it.  I just couldn't stop the tears from coming.   Now it could be pregnancy hormones making me extra upset, or it could be that I'm still suffering from sugar crash from earlier today, or it could be that I have a right to be upset, and that it was just plain awful.  Maybe a combination of things.  But I'm banking on the latter right now.  I don't know if I'll go back.

Isn't the whole point of these things to make you feel like you CAN do this, and to give you confidence?  Why do I feel exactly the opposite right now?  You know, in this entire journey - even though I'm having a baby on my own, I've never felt alone.  Until tonight.

Taming the beast.

This mornings glucose test went far more smoothly than the last one.  Don't get excited, its not like I know if I passed it or not - but I did not get sick.  I was really, really naseaus though.  But at least everything stayed down. 

What an awful test.  Honestly who decided it would be a good idea to starve a woman who is 27 weeks pregnant for about 14 hours, then give her the biggest jolt of sugar ever (at 8:30 AM!), and then make her sit in a lab for 3 hours and take her blood 4 times?  And why, WHY did the lab tech have to jab me in the exact same spot 3 of the 4 times?  And could they not have comfortable chairs - my ass is exceedingly sore from sitting on the hard, plastic, little chair.

Oh - and then, because the lab doesn't want to further spread the swine flu around, there was not a single magazine or paper or pamphlet to read.  I did bring a book - but I was looking forward to a dose of cheezy gossip magazines for a bit too.  Although it was entertaining to watch the lab techs all working behind surgical masks, and these big plastic things.  Sort of looked like a scene from Outbreak.  BTW - I DID get the swine flu shot last week.  Not a chance I was willing to take, and I'm happy I did.

I really am surprised to find myself in this position.  I shouldn't be.  Its a common pregnancy complication, and being of "advanced maternal age" puts me in a high risk group for developing it.  But I thought that since I do eat reasonably well (its hardly perfect, but I'm not chowing down on fast food junk every day and I've been very careful about eating my veggies) and I get quite a bit of exercise.  I thought that would be enough. Obviously its not.  Do I blame my sweet tooth?  Not sure, but obviously I need to tame the beast.

I was dizzy afterwards to say the least.  Thankfully I followed my mother's advice and brought a snack with me to eat after I was done and before I drove home.  It helped, but even though I've eaten since I've gotten back, I'm still needing a nap.  Sugar crash.

So, I should get the results in a couple of days.  Or at least my Dr. will get the results, and I should hear from him soon.  I'm expecting to fail.  My level at the one hour test was super high.  My consultations with Dr. Google tell me that he could have diagnosed me with Gestational Diabetes on the spot - without doing this confirmation test.  So, I'm pretty doubtful that I'll pass.

I wonder what the process is after the diagnosis?  I imagine I'll be referred to a diabetes specialist - excellent, more Dr.'s appointments.

On the upside I have my first prenatal class tonight.  I'm really looking forward to it.

Sugar

I keep failing my blood sugar tests.

The first one was a urine test in the Dr.'s office.  My sugars were high, so she sent me for a blood draw.  We thought it was because of the Raisin cereal and OJ I had for breakfast before going in. 

So I had my blood drawn after fasting for an hour.  I failed it.  My level should have been below 5.5, and it was 5.7.  So slightly elevated, but nothing really terrible.  I wasn't all that worried.  But my Dr. sent me for a one hour glucose screening test, "just in case".

Well I did the test.  They look for a level below 7.7.  My test came back at 10.7.  This is not even "slightly" high.  Its just high.  She asked if I had a sugar craving the night before.  But the truth is I knew I was taking the test so I was exceedingly careful about what I ate for a few days before I took the test.

Crap.

So next week I'm doing the three hour glucose tolerance test to diagnose whether or not I have gestational diabetes. 

Kids, this is not good.

Cloth Diapers

I had no idea I'd need a masters degree to determine the best way to diaper my baby.  Holy smack!  There are so many options. 

The cloth diapering workshop I attended yesterday was helpful, but I'm still feeling a bit uncertain as to the type of diaper system I'll use.  And chances are, like everything else, it will evolve as I become familar with what I like and what baby likes. 

So, some decisions are easy for me.  Yes, I am going to use cloth diapers.  And I hope to use them almost exclusively.  For financial, environmental, and health reasons.  And I'm not going to get on my bloggy soap box about all of that - suffice it to say, it seems like the most responsible choice.

But that doesn't narrow things down too much.  Do I go for:

prefolds?
fitted?
pocket?
all in ones?

Then what type of material should they be made of:

-cotton blend?
-hemp?
-bamboo?
-only organic?
-something else?

Do I go for the:

-one size system or a system where I use different sizes as the baby grows?

Should I use a diaper service?

And then I should decide about all of the many, many different brand names of diapers. 

I'd love to hear of anyones experiences in this area.  What worked for you (or your friend)?  What didn't work?

Wow!  I have me some thinking to do.

Not so flaky

Finally.  I hired a doula.  And so far I think she is great.  It was not easy, and honestly, I may have spent more time choosing her than I did my donor.  (OK - not quite, but if this last interview didn't work out it would have been pretty damn close!).

The doula world, is... well... a bit scary.  At least it scares me a bit.  Most doulas seem to recommend a natural birthing process, and their websites pretty much all boast about how using a doula lessens the need for inductions, epidurals, and c-sections.  But some go farther.  Much, much farther.

I got completely grossed out by the mention of eating your own placenta after birth so that your hormone levels balance out.  Yes, I've heard of this before.  And if that is something you are into, then by all means... do what you need to do.  But I'm not a horse (I think they do this after birth?), and would rather eat some ice cream - Thank you very much.

I lost my lunch for the second time that day.

I also had one doula start emailing me daily blessings.  Now, I figure I can use all the blessings I can get, but I don't want them manifesting themselves in my inbox.  Especially unsolicited.  OK - go ahead and email me information, but this was not information.   This was junk mail.

Then there are the prenatal classes that are offered in conjunction with doulas.  One of which suggests "birth art" as a way to work through your feelings.  And for some people this is great.  I personally have very little patience for that sort of thing.

Homebirths are a great option for many people, but not for me.  I have no interest in giving birth anywhere other than a hospital setting.  I like my doctors and I trust their opinion.  I figure that for the most part, all that schooling had to do something.  That doesn't mean I won't question them when I think they are wrong, or misguided in some way, but I don't believe the medical profession is evil. 

And I think that if something were to go wrong, they might even be able to intervene.  That is a good thing.  My Mom is a nurse and my brother is a sonographer, so maybe that has something to do with it.  But what influences me more  is that my Mom had 2 other babies that died very shortly after birth, and this was unexpected.  I want to be in a hospital so that if the unexpected happens, I'm not stuck at home -  or more likely in February -  stuck behind some stupid Olympic road closure (I live downtown Vancouver, and starting in January many of the usual driving routes are being shut down/rerouted because of the Olympics - but that is another story).  All indications are that I am fine and the baby is more than fine - so I don't really think this can happen.  But one thing this journey has taught me is that I have no control over lots of stuff. 

I had one doula pretty much admonish me for making the decision to give birth in a hospital without talking to her first.  That was an easy ending to that conversation.  Incidentally she also couldn't believe I wasn't using a midwife. The thing is I really like my family doctor, and I wanted her to care for me for as long as she could prenatally.  It should not matter what profession your caregiver is in, as long as YOU are comfortable with her/him.  So that pissed me off.  Like I said, it was easy to say thanks but no thanks. 

So yesterday, I met my new doula.  I had seen her website and information and contacted her about a week ago.  Her website was similar to many that I had seen. So, I knew going in that she believes in advocating a natural birth, and tries to encourage people to use as little intervention as possible. 

But those are not the reasons I want a doula.  I want some support regardless of what decision I make, and I want the doula to be comfortable with that.  As a single woman, I do have support (friends, family) and I know they will try to be there with me.  But most of them have no experience with births (although they are welcome to come!).  And I don't want anyone to feel they HAVE to be there, when really they'd rather run out of the room screaming.  And my Mom is coming, but we don't know when the baby is coming.  We have a general idea, but what if he/she is early... or late.  Then I'd be stuck.  A doula is a great option for me.  Not because I want her to convince me to not have an epidural. But because regardless of whether I use one I will need some support, from someone who has some experience.  (BTW - I fully expect to use an epidural.  Really, when I go to the dentist I let him freeze my mouth).

So, one of the first things she said to me is that she has been a doula in all sorts of births.  From homebirths to scheduled c-sections, and she respects anyone's decision as long as it is an informed decision.  She sees her role as making sure that the mom has all of the options available for her, and doesn't give birth and then feel like a victim afterwards.  I like all of that.  She also said she has strong opinions, but recognizes that everyone has a reason for making the decisions they do, and her job is to support them.  I also liked that. 

And surprisingly that was the first I had heard any sentiments of that sort from anyone.

I signed the contract before coffee was over.